Old and New Jokes

If a month would be only 24 hrs long, we would get paid every day and women would bleed to death.

E-Mail flames from some guy named Fluffy.
Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
You find youve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.
Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.
Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna.
Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of
CyberDog.
Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
On IRC youre known as the IronMouser.
Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Written by Dave Fore.

Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But Im not allowed up on the couch!

There was a man who entered a local papers pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?

A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.

Q2: Whats the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?

A: He knows who the ten men were.

Q: How do you keep a man from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head!

A doctor called up a fellow and said, Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.

The guy says, Yes, thats right. Is there anything wrong?

Well, the doctor replies, heres the thing. Theres another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer’s.

Oh, my God, the man said, what will I do, doc?

Well, Ive been giving this some thought, said the doctor, and heres what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.

Then what? says the distraught man.

Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, Dont have sex with her!

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

You wouldnt believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.

The prisoner wrote another letter:

Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!

En un pueblo se construía una carretera y uno de los lugareños se sentaba largas horas para ver como se realizaba la obra cuando…

Hola, soy George Frank Steven, el ingeniero que hizo los estudios y encargado de la obra y la maquinaria.

Hola, yo soy Federico Díaz; soy del pueblo vecino.

Veo que nunca habías visto como se hace una carretera moderna, dime, ¿cómo hacen las carreteras en tu pueblo?

Bueno, en mi pueblo cuando queremos hacer una carretera de un pueblo a otro, soltamos un burro viejo y el animal escoge el camino más corto y más seguro y por ese camino hacemos la carretera.

¿Y qué pasa si no tienen un burro?

¡Llamamos a un ingeniero!

Estaban trabajando un grupo bastante grande de ilegales en un campo en los Estados Unidos, cuando de pronto llegó la migra con dos camiones para llevarse a los pobres ilegales, y pues que se echan a correr todos para esconderse, menos uno, que al contrario de todos, salió corriendo pero hacia los camiones de la migra, llegó a uno, se subió y se sentó rápido. El oficial de migración que manejaba el camión, todo sacado de onda por lo que veía le preguntó:

¿Por qué tu no corriste como tus demás compañeros a esconderte?

Y el ilegal todo cansado por la corrida que pegó le contesta:

Pues la verdad es que ustedes ya me han agarrado cinco veces y las cinco pinches veces me he ido parado hasta Tijuana…