Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your wifes job requires her to wear an orange vest.

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her its not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

How long will this take?, she asks.

Theyll grow larger over a period of years, he replies.

The wife stops. Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

Worked for your butt, didnt it?, he replied…

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again….

Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle players best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, He isnt here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.

By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, Youre sure he isnt here?

The bartender says, Yes, Im very sure.

The lady says, Well, I just wanted to tell him theres no toilet paper or soap in the womens restroom.

Why does Peter Pan fly?

You would fly too if somebody hit your peter with a pan!

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

Pilot – Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … its a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

And, after landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

And from the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump and I know what yall are thinking. Im here to tell you it wasnt the airlines fault, it wasnt the pilots fault, it wasnt the flight attendants fault…..it was the asphalt!

Another flight Attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of us here at US Airways.

Bible scholars have long wondered how old Isaac was when his father
Abraham took him up to the mountain top to offer him as a sacrifice.
Through careful study of the story as related in the Old Testament,
based on the following facts:

Issac was old enough to understand the ritual of sacrifice,
Issac was old enough to carry wood for the fire to the top of the
mountain,
Issac was old enough to notice that they were not bringing an animal
for the sacrifice.

Therefore Issacs age, at this time, was greater than 8 years old.
Scholars also conclude that he was younger than 12 years old as
supported by the following fact:

If Issac had been older than twelve, he would have been a
teenager and it would not have been a sacrifice.

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tune. The woman cocked her ear: Quick, its my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

What are you doing lying on the bed naked? he asked.

Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you. she replied with a knowing smile.

Great he said Ill just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes.

Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hands in mid-air.

Who the devil are you? the husband demanded.

Im from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths. the lover replied.

But … but youve got no clothes on! stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, The little bastards!

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to start it.

Her friend asks What is it a puzzle of?

The blonde says From the picture on the box, its a tiger.

The blondes friend figures that hes pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: First, no matter what I do, Im not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.

Second, Id advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

Yo mama gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.