Old and New Jokes

Pumpkin Pi!

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people: Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Poles reply: Meat? What is meat?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets: Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Soviets reply: Think? What is think?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans: Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Americans reply: Lack? What is lack?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis: Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

To which all the Israelis reply: Excuse me? What is excuse me?

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, Excuse me, ladies, Id like to see your fishing licenses.

We dont have any. replied the first blonde.

Well, if youre going to fish, you need fishing licenses.

But officer, replied the second blonde, we arent fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and were collecting debris off the bottom of the river.

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

Well, I know of no law against it, said the warden, take all the debris you want. And with that, he left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. What a dumb cop, the second blonde said to the other two, doesnt he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire
the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and
bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being
played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for
this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else
is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You dont have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends dont give a crap whether youve lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters dont rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you dont have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You dont have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
You dont have to shave below your neck.
None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
You dont have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If youre 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time
You never have to drive on to another gas station because this ones just too skeevy.
You can sit with you knees apart no matter what youre wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
You dont care if someones talking about you behind you back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earths population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

Princess Di and Dolly parden have both died and are waiting to go through the gates of heaven when God comes out and says that there has been a mistake and only one of them gets in so God says why dont both of you tell me about your self and I will decide who gets in so Dolly puts her chest high and says well God I do have a pretty nice pair, Di stands infront and says yes God Dolly does have a nice pair, but I just douched and a Rolal Flush beats a pair…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kay!
Kay who?
Kay sera sera!

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jakes wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Jakes old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jakes minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?

Well, Jake replied, the women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, Is that mule for sale? and I shook my head, no.

How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?



Shoot him before he hits the water!

-How do you get down from an elephant?

You dont. You get down from a duck.



-Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?

So he could hide in the crayon box.



-Why do elephants have wrinkles?

Because they are so hard to iron.



-Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?

Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.



-Why cant an elephant ride a tricycle?

Because it doesnt have a thumb to ring the bell.



-Why do elephants wear sunglasses?

So no one will recognize them.



-Why are elephants such poor dancers?

Because they have two left feet.



-What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?

Time to get a new fence.



-Why cant elephants go swimming at the beach?

Because they cant keep their trunks up.