Old and New Jokes

Death is Natures way of saying slow down.

Dont force it, get a larger hammer.

Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblocks Law: If its good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It works better if you plug it in.

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the towns name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing

I saw the following warning label at MITs Junior Lab:

WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.Whats that big brass gong for? one of the guests asked.Why, thats my talking clock, the man replied.How does it work? asked one of his friends.Watch this, the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey !*#^$*@! Its 2 in the $&@!%&# morning!

Why did bill quit playing the saxophone?

To play his WhoreMonica

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her go do something to prove them wrong! Why dont you learn all the state capitals or something? The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, Im NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals! The guy doesnt believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says, Okay, whats the Capital of Montana?

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, Thats easy! Its M!

The older guys are now taking a new combination, Viagra and Doans Pills, so the back wont peter out and the peter wont back out…

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, – This is the WORST book Ive ever read! It has NO plot and far too many characters!

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks –

So, youre the one who took our phone book…

once in a class . teacher tells herto student to study three words .Three words are