Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.

You might be a redneck if…
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?The drunk looks back and says, Yess, Preacher..I sure am.The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. Have you found Jesus? the preacher asked.Nooo, I havent! said the drunk.The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus?Noooo, I have not Reverend.The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…Are you sure this is where he fell in?

The Female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong.
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time.
The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she sa id.
If the Male doesnt abide by THE RULES, it is because he cant take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldnt have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldnt work with their hooks.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

Im sorry sir, but I am blind and cant read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, Ill smell it and order from there.

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind mans table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

Ahh, yes thats what Ill have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owners wife and he tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

Sir, remember ? Im the blind man.

Im sorry, I didnt recognise you. Ill go get you a dirty fork.

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, That smells great, Ill take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in hes going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back just as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says…

Hey! I didnt know that Mary worked here!

Q: What did King Tut say to the museum?

A: I want my mummy!

Q. What did the Leper say to the Hooker?

A. Keep the tip

When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?

A: She was run over by the Zambonis machine.