On their first date, Bob and Susie sat in the dark theater waiting for the movie to begin. The screen finally lit up with a flashy ad for the theaters concession stand. Bob and Susie noticed the sound was missing. The film began but silence continued. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd shouted, Okay, whos got the remote?
(via Aiken Drum, Rodney & Cathy, HorridScopes)
I ran into my ex the other day, A woman tells her friend. Then I put the car into reverse and did it again.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on his computer. They had been going at
it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the
bickering.
Finally God said, Cool it. I am going to set up a
test that will run two hours and I will judge who does
the better job.
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and
typed away. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.
They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They downloaded. They
did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every
known job. About ten minutes before their time was up,
lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain
poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan
stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them
rebooted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming Its gone! Its all gone! I lost
everything when the power went out!
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all
of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this
and became very irate: Wait! He must have cheated.
How did he do that?
God shrugged and said, Jesus saves.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Henrietta!
Henrietta who?
Henrietta toadstool but thought it was a mushroom!
Cierto dÃa, Pepito se estaba bañando con su padre y le preguntó que qué era eso que le colgaba en la entrepierna; el papá le dijo que era un dragón.
Otro dÃa, se estaba bañando con su mamá y le pregunta que qué era lo que tenÃa en la entrepierna; la mamá le contestó que un dragón.
Esa noche, Pepito estaba espiando por la cerradura del cuarto de sus papás y llegó su hermana:
¿Qué haces, le pregunta.
Estoy viendo una pelea de dragones.
¿Y quién va ganando?
¡Mamá, porque se comió al de papá!
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message Hes lying was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasnt telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wifes cup and said, Sugar, sugar? Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, Honey, honey?
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wifes eyes and said, Ham, pig?
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this seems worse than usual.
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, Officer, whats the hold-up?
The officer replied, The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So were taking up a collection for him.
The lobbyist asks, How much have you got so far?
The officer replies, About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least five pounds.
When the blonde returns, shes lost nearly 20 pounds.
Why, thats amazing! the doctor says. Did you follow my instructions?
The blonde nods. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.
No, from skipping, replied the blonde.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!
The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife.
The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.
The agent said, You dont have what it takes, Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the womans turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, The darn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair.