Old and New Jokes

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.



When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.



Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: Why are you laughing?



I was thinking about my own funeral the man replied.

Whats so funny about that?



Im a gynecologist.

Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial.

The note said:

Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.

The clerk called 9-1-1. She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way.

The judge made a noise.

I wanted someone from maintenance, she said.

The trouble was the window blinds on the courtrooms right side. The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

112. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommates potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommates potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, He just didnt belong.

Q: There was a blonde and a brunette on a cliff they had to jump to get down who do you think got down first?

A: The brunette, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions and fix her makeup.

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.Youve got to have a room somewhere, he pleaded. Or just a bed, I
dont care where.Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,
admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.No problem, the tired Navy man assured him. Ill take it.The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. Howd you sleep? asked the manager.Never better.The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring?Nope, I shut him up in no time said the Navy guy.Howd you manage that? asked the manager.He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, the
sailor explained.I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,
Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

A: The oven doesnt go to 700 degrees.

Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, dont signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.

Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule No. 8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.

Rule No. 9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule No. 10: If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule No. 11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like Mr. Good Guy, and park somewhere else.

Rule No. 12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow ENTER ONLY driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule No. 16: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While youre at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendys or McDonalds bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infants diaper in a parkinglot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule No. 21: When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

Rule No. 22: When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your cars alarm makes a sudden loud BLOOP BLEEP that scares the crap out of them.

Rule No. 23: If you dont see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isnt any!

Rule No. 24: If you back into a parked car, and the driver isnt with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think Im writing my name, address, and phone number.

Q: Why cant men get mad cow disease?

A: Because theyre a bunch of pigs!

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husbands lawyer arose and said, Isnt it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, What was that date again ?