Old and New Jokes

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.

Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A. Not enough sand.

Q. Whats the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldnt figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyers creed:

A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q. Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

A. Skeet.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

A. Chelsea Clinton

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?)

A. …… I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the lawyers rates.

$50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer.

Isnt that awfully steep? asked the man.

Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?

Q. Youre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A. You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cliff!
Cliff who?
Cliff the hedges!

Una vez estaba Pepito con su papá en la sala y le dice:

Oye papá, tengo una duda.

¿Cuál es tu duda hijo?, cuéntame.

Yo estaba leyendo una revista de las que tienes bajo tu cama y no entendí una palabra.

¿Qué palabra era, hijo?

Clítoris, ¿qué es eso papá?

Pues la verdad, hijo, que no me recuerdo, pero anoche la tenía en la punta de la lengua.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadnt wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM, Wake up.

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

John went to a pet store and selected a kind looking dog. He asked the salesperson about the dogs pedigree.

She said the dog came from a very long line of distinguished ancestors. Both its father and grandfather were dogs.

Its mother, she said, was a bitch and its grandmother was a r-e-a-l bitch. John was delighted and said, Is this dog smart and intelligent?

Oh, yes, she said, this dog is so smart that within a week it would teach your entire family to talk in its language.

John was impressed and asked if the dog was faithful.

The salesperson replied, I have sold this dog five times and it has always come back.

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?

She looked up and said, Why does everybody ask me that?!

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, Do you want to go to heaven?

The man said, I do Father.

The priest said, Then stand over there against the wall.

Then the priest asked the second man, Do you want to got to heaven?

Certainly, Father, was the mans reply.

Then stand over there against the wall, said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to OToole and said, Do you want to go to heaven?

OToole said, No, I dont Father.

The priest said, I dont believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you dont want to go to heaven?

OToole said, Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.

Va un joven donde un sacerdote a confesarse y le dice: padre, estoy enamorado de Cuqui, el cura le dice: ¡pero hijo, eso no es pecado! Ve en paz.

Llega otro y le dice: padre, estoy enamorado de Cuqui. También a éste le dice el cura: ¡pero hijo, eso no es pecado! Ve en paz.

Llega un tercero a confesarse y le dice: padre…; el religioso recordándose de los otros dos le dice: no me digas que tú también estás enamorado de Cuqui.

No padre, yo soy Cuqui, le responde aquel.