Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
2. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
3. Were you present when your picture was taken?
4. Were you alone or by yourself?
5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
6. Did he kill you?
7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?
9. How many times have you committed suicide?
10. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
11. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
12. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
13. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
14. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whos death was it terminated?
15. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
16. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
17. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
18. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
19. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
20. Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
21. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.
22. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.
Isnt it rather complicated for a small boy? she asked the salesclerk.
Its designed to adjust the tot to live in todays world, madam, the shop assistant replied. Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.
A man goes hunting, sees a deer, and kills it. He takes ithome for his family to eat. His little girl asks, dady, what are we havving for dinner tonight?. The man replied, ill give you a clue, its something that mummy calls daddy sometimes. The little girl screamed and said Dont eat it its a fucking asshole!!
(Q)HOW DO YOU STARVE A BLACK GUY?
(A)PUT HIS FOOD STAMPS UNDER HIS WORK BOOTS.
A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, Dad, what happened to the birdie?
His dad told him, Son, the bird died and went to heaven.
Then the boy asked, Did God throw him back down?
Mr. Starr:
I am Starr, Star I are.
Im a brilliant barri-star.
Im here to ask, as youll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-ski?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
Mr. Clinton:
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join — even for fun —
The Mile High Club in Air Force One.
So stow your feathers and your tar.
I did not do her, Starr you are!
Mr. Starr:
Did you smile? Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie
When called upon to testify?
Mr. Clinton:
That is it; youve gone too far!
I do not like you, Starr you are!
I will not answer any more;
In fact, I think Ill start a war!
The publics easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!
Mr. Starr:
Mr. President, confess, did you make a sticky mess?
A mess on Miss Lewinskis dress?
A mess she holds so near and dear
She saved it as a souvenir?
And may I take a cell or two from you
And prove that one and one makes two?
Mr. Clinton:
I do not like this, Starr you are,
And I admit you went too far
And I did things with sweet Miss L.
Too inappropriate to tell.
A valiant battle we have fought,
Apologies are what you sought,
Im very sorry I got caught!
A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection one afternoon observed a blind man with his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross the street.
All of a sudden, the policeman was aghast at the sight of the seeing-eye dog bolting out into the street in front of heavy traffic at one of the busiest intersections in the whole city, dragging the blind man along with the dogs leash in the blind mans hands while cars were trying to stop,screeching their brakes and swerving to avoid a fatal accident.The policeman was absolutely horrified, but could do nothing to assist. To the immediate relief of the horrified police officer, the blind man and his dog somehow made it across the street without suffering any harm to themselves whatsoever.It was a miracle!
The police officer, still in shock, observed the blind man, upon reaching the corner sidewalk after having nearly been killed crossing the street, reach into his pocket and pull out a cookie and offer it to his seeing-eye dog.
The officer ran to the blind man and said to him in a loud distraught tone, “Dont you realize that you could have been killed by your dog dragging you out into a busy street in front of heavy traffic like that? And NOW youre going toreward him?”
The blind man hesitated a moment, then he said to the policeman, “Why, no sir! Im just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick hisass!"
Mido aproximadamente 7 pulgadas. Mi funcionamiento lo disfrutan miembros de ambos sexos. Usualmente me encuentro colgando suelto y listo para la acción.
Tengo un montón de pelos en un extremo y un pequeño orificio en el otro. Cuando estoy en uso soy insertado, casi siempre de buena gana, algunas veces lentamente y otras rápido dentro de una abertura tibia, carnosa y húmeda. Ahà me encuentro entrando una y otra vez, rápidamente, muchas veces, acompañado de movimientos corporales. Cualquiera que esté escuchando seguramente reconocerá el rÃtmico sonido de los bien lubricados movimientos.
Cuando finalmente salgo, dejo una substancia blancuzca, jugosa, espumosa y pegajosa, la cual requerirá de limpieza de las superficies exteriores de la abertura y también de mi larga anatomÃa.
Después de que todo ha terminado, regreso a mi libre estado de descanso, listo para otro poco de acción.
Si me va bien, volveré a ese maravilloso estado de clÃmax dos o tres veces por dÃa, pero, por supuesto, casi siempre es mucho menos que eso.
¿Quién soy?
EL CEPILLO DE DIENTES
¿En qué estaban pensando?
Un policÃa se encuentra en una esquina cumpliendo su horario de vigilancia, cuando se le acerca un niño:
Por favor, señor policÃa, ¿podrÃa usted decirme la hora?
Claro, jovencito, son las once menos diez minutos, responde el oficial.
¡Bien, cuando sean las once chúpame el pito! responde el niño y sale disparando.
El agente comienza a perseguirlo; cuando llega a la siguiente esquina otro policÃa lo para y le pregunta que por qué tanto apuro. Entonces, el perseguidor le cuenta lo ocurrido.
¿Y por qué te apuras tanto, si aún faltan cinco minutos para las once?
What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil?
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you die?
Answer: Nothing!