Old and New Jokes

Q. Why did the blonde turn around and go back home on her way to the aiport?

A. Because she saw a sign that said, Airport left…

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = Youll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure… go ahead = I dont want you to Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron! Youre … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Im not emotional! And Im not overreacting! = Ive started my period This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper….. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like Ill be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, youre dead.] Yes = No No = No Maybe = No Im sorry = Youll be sorry Do you like this recipe? = Its easy to fix, so youd better get used to it Was that the baby? = Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep Im not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important All were going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that were stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO WHATS WRONG? ***************************** The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = PMS again. Nothing, really = Its just that youre such a pain. I dont want to talk about it = Go away, Im still building up steam

THE WOMENS GUIDE TO MENS ENGLISH: ———————————————————- Im hungry = Im hungry Im sleepy = Im sleepy Im tired = Im tired Whats wrong? = I dont see why you are making such a big deal out of this Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesnt look that much different! Lets talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person. I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

[This mail, copyright, the Indian masses – C.]

There will be branches of Olive Garden all over India and they will be called OZinda Bagicha!
The only vegetarian dish will be Eggplant Parmesan and it will be called Anda-Pauda Parmeshwaran!
All Vadapav Gaadis and Stalls will be selling Pizza and Pasta.
Indias National Sport will be – of course, Soccer.
Laloo will lose his position as the national animal and will be replaced by Jayalalitha!
National vegetable – Zucchini!
There will be Pope John Pauls yearly visit TWICE every year!
Jahangir Art gallery will be renamed to Michaelangelos Confetti House!
Men in Indian Army will wear Mini Skirts! (Yikes!)

And … the number one thing that will happen if Sonia Becomes the Prime Minister of India is …

All Sindhi People will get promotions in their positions because Madame thinks they are all ITALIANS! (Kotwani, Multani, Vaswani … after all they do resemble Mussolini, Gianini, Benini …)

A sales reps car breaks down in the Scottish highlands.He sees a farmer and asks him where he can find a mechanic.

Och none of them aroond here laddie, says the farmer, Were all McDonalds.

I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated.

Llega un tipo con una tremenda mujer y un pájaro a uno de los restaurantes más caros de la costa azul.

El tipo llama al mesero y pide una entrada para él y ella y 150 entradas para el pajaro, luego pide una pechuga para él y para ella y 345 para el pájaro, luego pide una trucha para él y para ella y 345 para el pájaro, luego pide un jugo para él y para ella y 590 para el pájaro, lo mismo el postre.

El tipo cancela en efectivo 345.000 dólares y le da propina de 5.000 al mesero.

El mesero intrigado le dice, Perdone señor, pero tengo curiosidad.

Ah, ya se lo que me va a preguntar. Mire, yo caminaba por Bogotá cuando me encontre una botella de la que salió un genio que me concedió tres deseos: El primero es ser rico. Yo puedo comprar toda la costa azul y me queda dinero. El segundo fue estar con la mujer más bella y sumisa del mundo y vea ese monumento…

El mesoro dice, ¿Y el pájaro?

Ah es que le pedí como tercer deseo, teniendo dinero y una super mujer, que me diera un pájaro insaciable…

Un octogenario, que durante toda su vida ha sido un gran vicioso y putero incorregible, sintiendo cercana la hora de su muerte pone un anuncio en el periódico:

Ofrezco estupenda colección de fotografías pornográficas a cambio de edición, incluso usada, de la Sagrada Biblia.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Godunov!
Godunov who!
Godunov to eat!

Drizzle

Your dogs barking at the back door. Your wifes barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, its your call… but the dogll stop barking when you let him in.