Old and New Jokes

The doctor says to the first old man, What is three times three?
274 was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, Its your turn. What is three times three? Tuesday replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, Okay, your turn. Whats three times three? Nine says the third man. Thats great! exclaims the doctor. How did you get that? Jeez, Doc, its pretty simple, says the third man. I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.

Three friends die in a caraccident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked,"When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would youlike to hear them say about you?"The first guy says,"Iwould like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great familyman."The second guy says,"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a schoolteacher who made ahuge difference in our children of tomorrow."The last guy replies,"I would like to hear them say… LOOK, HES MOVING!"

The dog is not allowed in the house.
OK. the dog is allowed in the house but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
OK, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the cover by invitation only.
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

What is Bob Doles favorite band?
Limp Bizkit

Q…What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?

A…Brothel Sprouts!

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists never see the light anyway do they ?

Q: How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his lightbulb to Iran.

20 dollars

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me.

His friend says Dont worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

You reek of alcohol and youve thrown up all over yourself, my God youre disgusting etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, Wait. Its not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. Hed obviously had one too many, or else he just couldnt hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.

She looks in his breast pocket and says, But this is forty dollars.

Ah, yes. says the man. He peed in my trousers too.

OPERATOR, WEVE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP) John, thats not what Ma Bell meant by Reach Out and Touch Someone.

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

Hey, Antonio, said Luigi. where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around.

Donna talka to me, Luigi, replied Antonio. I been inna da jail.

Jail! exclaimed Luigi. What for you been in jail?

Wella, Luigi, Antonio said, I was lying onna da beach, and the cops come, arresta me and throw me i-na jail!

But dey donna throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!, Luigi countered.

Si, but dissa beach was ascreamin and akickin and ayellin.