The nervous young bride became irritated by her husbands lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
I demand proper manners in bed, she declared, just as I do at the dinner table!
Amused by his wifes formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. Is that better? he asked, with a hint of a smile.
Yes, replied the girl, much better.
Very good, darling, the husband whispered.
Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.
Two men from the country were sitting at a bar
when a young lady nearby began to choke on a
hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one turned
to the other and said, That gal is havin a bad
time. Im a gonna go over there and help.
The man ran over to the young lady, held both
sides of her head in his big hands and asked,
Kin ya swaller?
Gasping, she acknowledged that she couldnt swallow.
Then, the man asked, Kin ya breathe? Still gasping,
she motioned that she couldnt breathe. With that,
the man yanked up her skirt and licked her butt. The
young woman was so shocked and humiliated that she
coughed up the piece of hamburger and began breathing
on her own.
The man sat back down with his friend and said, Ya
know, its sure amazin how that hind-lick maneuver
always works!
Joe: Well I went to the doctor this morning and told him I had to get some of those Viagra pills. The Doctor told me they wouldnt help my love life at all.
Bartender: Why not? I thought that they would do the trick for any guy.
Joe: The Doctor told me it wouldnt help me at all to put a good flag pole on such a worn out old building!
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They like a tight seal.
When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers
DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so dont expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, hell run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. Hell wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.
This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely hell ever meet another woman in his profession.
LAWYER
Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?
Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesnt have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Dont be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.
The company that your programmer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc, just about the time you are at your sexual peak.
The only hazards that your programmer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask Honey, were you looking at her? hell honestly be able to say that he didnt even see her.
TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. Hell be in jail soon, and then youll have to look for another man.
Q. What do you call two irish homosexuals
A. Gerald Fitz-patrick and Patrick Fitz-gerald
Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Everything takes longer than you think.
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.