Old and New Jokes

Doesnt whine about affirmative action taking away your promotions
Knows what the clitoris is
Even if she does sit around in a dirty tshirt watching television, she at least knows how to wash it herself.
Knows where the clitoris is.
Doesnt think sexual harassment has been blown way out of proportion
She may not know how to fix a car, but, lets face it buddy, neither do you
Doesnt respond to I want to talk about our relationship with Oh, Jesus Christ, here we go again
Willing to stop and ask for directions before seeing bleached bones lying alongside the road
Two words: sharing clothes
Someday youre going to look like Bob Dole

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, Whats so funny Bobby?

Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.

Get out of my classroom, she yells, I dont want to see you for three days!

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.

Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, Whats so funny Billy?

Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters.

Again she yells, Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him – I dont want to see you for three weeks!

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

And where do you think you are going? she asks.

Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!

Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesnt take a rocket scientist, you know.

Tres hombres mueren y en el cielo los recibe San Pedro. Eran un judío, un italiano y un negro. Los tres hombres muy sorprendidos y atribulados por su muerte, le ruegan a San Pedro que les dé otra oportunidad de vida en la tierra; San Pedro, muy misericordioso, les concede la oportunidad con una condición para cada uno.

Le dice primeramente al italiano: Si comes un pedazo de pizza en la tierra, vuelves inmediatamente.

Al Judio le dice: Si tocas una moneda tan siquiera, vuelves inmediatamente.

Y al Negro: Si le haces el amor a alguien, vuelves inmediatamente.

Bueno… estando los tres en la tierra, caminan juntos y pasan por una pizzería y el italiano no resiste la tentación de comer un pedazo y apenas lo muerde… ¡pufff! ¡desaparece!

Los otros dos al verlo, saben que San Pedro no hablaba en broma; entonces siguen el judío y el negro caminando juntos y el judío ve una moneda en el piso. Al no resistir la tentación se inclina a recogerla y… ¡pufff! ¡desaparece el negro!

Iba un árabe montado en su camello, cruzando el desierto del Sahara cuando de pronto el camello se para y deja de caminar, el árabe no sabía por qué se había detenido y lo empezó a jalar. En eso se encuentra con otro árabe y le cuenta su problema.

El otro árabe le describe una posible solución, el dueño del camello la acepta y empiezan a trabajar.

Hacen dos montones de tierra, un poco separados y altos, suben al camello y el árabe se coloca debajo de los montones de arenay con dos garrafas llenas de agua le pega al camello en los kiwis y el camello sale corriendo.

El dueño del camello le pregunta al árabe que como va a alcanzar a su camello, a lo que el árabe le respondió:

Súbase a los montones de arena.

Clinton wants to open a chain of cigar shops after he leaves office.

He is going to call them, Poke Em and Smoke Em.

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?

A real man doesnt care.

[Ed: The following two commercials were taken from a parody of the
Twilight Zone written by the submitter]

This is a script I wrote for our campus humor paper. So copyright me,
and the Koala, and the Regents, and I printed it first so if you copy
it I can sue you for imaginary damages.

(Scene: The inside of a restaurant. As people eat, the announcer walks in
from the left and faces the camera.)

Announcer: Tonight, we are here at the Platinum Penguin
restaurant in Beverly Hills, where weve secretly
replaced the fine coffee they usually serve with sand
and ground-up clam shells. Heres what they thought.

(Cut to table #1. Man sips the coffee and spits it out all over his wife.
Cut to table #2. Woman sips coffee and starts gagging. Cut to inside
kitchen. The cook, screaming, pours the coffee out all over the floor. Cut
to table #1, where couple is trying to recover)

Announcer: Youre right! (Couple looks at announcer as he puts
can of coffee on table) This isnt real coffee, its…
Forgers!

(Fade to black.)

(Scene: The breakfast cereal section of a large supermarket. Mother enters
pushing a shopping cart, a small child in tow. She reaches to grab a box of
cereal.)

Voice: Shredded Wheat?

Mother: (Turning to camera) Yes…

Voice: Itll take twelve boxes of Shredded Wheat to equal the nutrition
in one box of Total!

(Twelve boxes of Shredded Wheat fly from the shelf and land all over the
floor.)

Mother: (Reaching for a different box) How about Cheerios?
Voice: Five boxes!

(Five boxes of Cheerios fly from the shelf and land all over the floor.)

Child: (Holding up candy) What about a Hershey bar?
Voice: Seven hundred fifty thousand!

(Mother and Child look up, then cover their heads with their arms as a huge
pile of Hershey bars drops on top of them, filling the aisle and the rest of
the store. Cut to outside of store. Windows shatter and candy bars pour out
from inside. Cut to breakfast cereal aisle. Candy moves in two places, and
Mother and Child poke their heads and arms out of the pile, sending a few bars
flying.)

Child: Lets get Shredded Wheat and some Flintstone
Vitamins…

Mother: (Pulling herself out) Good idea.

I am reminded of how this
native went to his first cricket match and described it
to his witchdoctor after he got back. I heard it when
I was in college and have no idea where it originated.

He said, It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big
crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field
with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle.
There were three sticks at either end of the strip.
A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters
and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out
came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded
and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs
and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at
either end of the strip and one of the other men came running
towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding
the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour.

White man sure knows how to make rain.

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

Pardon me, she said, Im sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. Its just that you look just like my son, who I havent seen in a long time.

Thats a shame, replied the young man, is there anything I can do for you?

Yes, she said, as Im leaving, can you say Good bye, Mother! It would make me feel so much better.

Sure, answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, Good-bye, Mother!

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $227.95.

How can that be? he asked, I only purchased a few things!

Your mother said that you would pay for her, said the clerk.