Old and New Jokes

October 28, 1958 – Angleo Giuseppe Roncalli was elected Pope. He took the name John XXIII.

TRADITION

Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, theres one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the popes presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.

The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected. John XXIII was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

My brother, the pope whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?

The chief rabbi shrugs and replies, But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history.

The pope said, Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret.

The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.

They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the last supper.

From: Chuckles of Choice Web Site

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache
and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he
took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it
was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did
not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance
floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and a little kiss here, a little
kiss there and sometimes a little bit more. His wife sidled up to him and being
a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted
his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he
wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
went to one of the neighbouring rooms and did something which she would only
allow her husband to do. She was quite upset afterwards because her husband
could not know that she was his wife. She slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make
for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what
kind of a time he had.

He said, Oh, you know I never have a good time when you are not there.

Then she asked, Did you dance much?

He replied, I did not dance at all. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, John and
some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the
chap I lent my costume told me that he had a glorious evening.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jaimie!
Jaimie who!
Jaimie a game of chess!

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:

Should he tell his partner?

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boys ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mothers hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve.

Excuse me, Reverend, she ways quietly, but what magic words did you use on that little boy?

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, I told him if he didnt cut that shit out, Id kick his fucking ass to the moon.

A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like? The man says, To me, you look 35. The guy says, Really! Im actually 47! and walks to on.



Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, To me, you look 29. The guy says, Really! Im actually 47! and then leaves.





At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, Im 87, my eye sight isnt that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes. The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her…





…after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, Alright, youre 47. The guy is surprised and says, WOW! How did you know? The old woman says, I was standing behind you at McDonalds.

A lady walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a pint of chocolate ice cream.



The clerk told the lady Miss, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.





The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a quart of chocolate ice cream.





The clerk says Miss, I just told you we are all out of chocolate ice cream.





The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.





The clerk had finally had it. He said Miss, can you spell the van in vanilla?





The lady looked puzzled but answered Yes, v a n.





The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the straw in strawberry?





The lady still looked puzzled but answered Yes, s t r a w.





The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?





The lady answered, There aint no fuck in chocolate.





The clerk replied, Thats what Iv been trying to tell you!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and well play snap!

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. Whats in the bags?, asked the guard.

Sand, said the cyclist.

Get them off – well take a look, said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. Say friend, you sure had us crazy, said the guard. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I wont say a word – but what is it you were smuggling? Bicycles!