Old and New Jokes

91. Always wear your safety goggles, theyre not kidding.

92. You just dont learn last names.

93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.

94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.

95. Card games never lasted for hours before.

96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

97. Boys will dance in college.

98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

99. You are never alone.

100. You find out what beer sludge is.

Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?

For those of us folks who chat on line too much?

If there was a group, I would like it just fine,

Except that it probbly would be here online!

Are there therapists here? I think I saw some.

Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME!

Its my new computer, Ive had it one week,

Now I look in the mirror and I see a real geek.

Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs.

Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!

Or better, please Email a burger and fries,

Cause Im staying ONLINE, at least til I die!

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining

and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the

doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh?

D: Madam – You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR! L: ??EH??

D: (shouting) –IN YOUR EAR! –A SUPPOSITORY!!! L: Oh, thank

Goodness – now I know where I put my hearing aid!

True story told to me by my uncle Fred D. after my asking what was in Aunt Merles cassarole dish.

During the depression years, Fred and his buddy were driving trucks on a Govt. road building project up in the Dakotas.

It was noon and they stopped their trucks at the roadside beside a small stream. There was an Indian encampment there between the road and the stream. One of the braves came up the hill to them and told them they could come down and eat with them out of the kettle.

They took their tin plates and cups and went down to eat with the Indians. Fred said that he knew what to expect so he took the ladle and put the stew on his plate and went over to sit on a log and eat.

But his buddy stayed behind and was stirring and poking into the stew, obviously trying to identify what was in it. Then one brave spoke up in a loud voice, Ugh! Dig deep. Dog on bottom.

I never did learn what Aunt Merle put in her cassarole.

A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine days fishing.

After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents wont allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks Can I have one of those cigarettes?

Grandpa, knowing he shouldnt encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt no asks Does your dick reach your ass?. The boy replies No , it doesnt. Then, said grandpa, you arent old enough to smoke.

Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a swig. Does your dick reach your ass? asks the old man. No, replies the boy. Then youre not big enough to touch beer, comes the reply.

By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there and takes one out to eat it. Grandpa sees this and fancies a cookie himself, so he asks for one.

The boy turns the tables on his grandpa and asks Does you dick reach your ass? It sure does, says the old man.

Then go fuck yourself – These are all mine!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Osborn!
Osborn who?
Osborn today – its my birthday!

Un hombre quería demostrar a su esposa que las mujeres hablan más que los hombres, así que le mostró un estudio que decía que los hombres usan en promedio sólo 15,000 palabras al día, mientras que las mujeres usan 30,000 palabras al día.

Ella lo pensó un momento y luego le respondió a su marido que las mujeres usan el doble de palabras que los hombres porque siempre tienen que repetir todo lo que dicen.

El marido dijo: ¿Qué?

Estaba la mamá de Pepito hablando con la vecina y la vecina le contaba que tenía unas diarreas muy fuertes y que no se las podían controlar con nada.

Pepito, que estaba escuchando la conversación, le dice: Mire vecina, yo la voy a ayudar con eso porque yo tengo la receta.

Ella, considerando la corta edad de Pepito, pensaba que se trataba de cosas de niños, así que le preguntó cual era la receta para controlar las diarreas.

Pepito le dijo: Lo que tiene que hacer es comer mucha langosta.

Tanto la vecina como la mamá de Pepito se qedarpm asombradas y le preguntaron a Pepito cómo era que la langosta ayudaba con las diarreas.

Y Pepito les contestó:

Bueno, la verdad que yo no sé como ayuda, pero a cada rato escucho cuando mami le dice a papi que coma langosta, a ver si esa mierda se para…

Se celebran las Olimpiadas Especiales. En la prueba de natación sale el primer competidor, sin brazos. Se lanza a la piscina y al cabo de 3 minutos la cruza. La gente aplaude el mérito.

Aparece el segundo competidor, sin brazos ni piernas. Se lanza a la piscina y 5 minutos después cruza la piscina. La gente, emocionada por el esfuerzo del deportista, se levanta y aplaude sin cesar.

Entonces, aparece el tercer competidor, sin brazos, sin piernas y sin tronco; sólo la cabeza. Lo colocan en el lugar de lanzamiento, le ponen el gorro y se tira a la piscina.

Quince minutos después, no salía nadie de la piscina, ni se veía ningún movimiento. Entonces, los de rescate se tiraron y lo sacaron, casi a punto de ahogarse.

¿Qué pasó?, le preguntan intrigados.

¡No joda, 5 años entrenando para nadar con las orejas! ¿Quién fue el hijueputa que me puso el gorro?

Tech Support: OK Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I dont have a P.



Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.



Customer: What do you mean?



Tech Support: P on your keyboard, Bob.



Customer: Im not going to do that!