Old and New Jokes

Whats long and hard and full of seamen?

A submarine.

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

Sorry, we dont need anyone… they replied.

You cant afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!

Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

How in the world did you do that? they asked.

I told you Im the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!

Did you get a urine sample? they asked him.

Whats that? he asked.

Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, Heres Mr. Jones and this one is Mrs. Johnsons.

Thats good, they said, but whats in those two buckets?

Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention –

so I stopped and sold them a group policy!

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route.

At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked, Whats your name? Patty she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.

On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him Special Ross.

Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.

Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.

On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking…

Dang, I have two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!

You might be a redneck if you give Santa three pickled eggs and a cold one instead of cookies and milk.

Dale Earnheart, Jeff Gordon, Tony Sterut was all trying to get into a strip joint. But the bouncer wouldnt let them so they said who they were and the bouncer said that if their dicks added up to 13 inches he would let them in. So Dale was 5.

Tony was 6.



And Jeff was 2.



So the bouncer let them in. As they was going in Jeff said, Thankfuly I had a hard one on.

A woman was sitting in the dentist chair and the dentist was just about to start drilling. The woman reaches over, unzips his pants and slips her hand inside, curling her fingers around his balls.

She looks up at him sweetly. Now we arent going to hurt each other, are we?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Statue!
Statue who?
Statue?
. This is me.!

En un examen oral de Ciencias Naturales, el profesor pregunta a una alumna sobre la parte del cuerpo que puede dilatarse hasta aumentar siete veces su tamaño.

Profesor, lo siento, pero no me atrevo a pronunciar esa palabra, dice la alumna, sonrojada.

Pues bien, sepa usted que tiene un cero y mucha imaginación. La parte del cuerpo a que me refiero son las pupilas y me temo que cuando llegue el día, usted se va a llevar una gran decepción.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course the famer is a blonde. 🙂

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

The farmer replies, Im trying to win a Nobel Prize.

How? asks the man, puzzled.

Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!

1689
Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.
1691
Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus crew abandons him.
1692
Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703
Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact.
1704
Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.
1705
Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716
After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in his native Germany.
1720
Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of Claus underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged government officials to begin an investigation.
1721
Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release his records.
1722
The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of treason. When news of this breaks, Claus employees all turn against him and his company.
1723
Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with all of the companys funds.
1724
A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds, however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He is believed to have returned to his North Pole base).
1725
Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.
1725-1734
The Claus lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts of toymaking and business dealings.
1735
Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the company funds.
1739
The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II reaches his 15th birthday, and in the same year, Claus wife dies, accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castles great halls.
1740
Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.
1745
Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and of his sick father.
1747
Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.
1748
Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.
1753
All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his fathers toy company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age 89.
1755
The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.
1757
The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus II to begin an ambitious project: that of breeding and training reindeer to fly.
1773
The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and IIIs major form of transportation.
1774
A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other world leaders for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a lavish show of wealth, all at the elves expense. He gives the other leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are planted.
1777
As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his advantage.
1784
On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street during the Christmas day parade, and is assassinated by a radical faction of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads the elves in rebellion.
1785-1792
The Seven Year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner of his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as leader of the elven community.
1796
Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. More than 10,000 elves are killed.
1800
Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.
1802
After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.
1804
Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.
1819-1826
After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.
1827-1841
The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In order to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to start the hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will ride all over the world, distributing free toys to children everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very costly.
1837
Claus III dies.
1851
As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures them he will do all he can to help them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds between the Claus family and the elves.
1856
Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do it every year.
1857-1867
Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building up the company, doesnt seem to mind, in fact, he feels that its good publicity.
1871
Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to the elves.
1872
Claus V usurps his fathers throne, sending him to live the remainder of his life under guard in the castles west wing.
1875
After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but they are successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa Claus suit later changes from beige to red.)
1881
Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new government gets underway. His funeral is not a large one.
1887
In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly line.
1893
Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the first one, whom the communist government now honors for giving the government back to the elves.
1900
Sigmund Freuds The Interpretation of Dreams is published.
1902
After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. All throughout the kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say hed be back again some day.
1906
Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves arent the least bit excited.
1909-1922
The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.
1925
Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He is found buried in the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of Frosty, but no one can prove it.
1926
Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are expanded, and the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.
1929
Angered by Claus commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts to remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that the Grinch is made out to be the villain.
1949
Claus VII is born.
1979
Claus VI dies of natural causes.
1933-1990
The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly. Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed. Children receive Claus toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their parents throw them away and then they tell their children that there is no Santa Claus.
1991
First sightings of Anti-Claus.
1993
Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed. His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed. He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And instead of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight flying cows.
1997
Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.
2002
Communism fails utterly at the North Pole due to the nature of the elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge explosion and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe that they annihilated each other.
2007
The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves. Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally achieved throughout the kingdom.
2011
It is discovered that Claus VII did not die in the explosion, but merely made it appear so. From there he went to live in the Bahamas. He is later found, dead of a heart attack, in a jacuzzi with two and a half dozen nymphets.