Old and New Jokes

… lady why she didnt report the robbery right away.
I didnt know it was a robbery right away. It looked like my husband had been looking for a clean shirt.

…with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.

Q: What kind of tricycle does a blonde have?

A: The one with the kick stand.

Dos amigas se encuentran en una tienda de departamentos:

¡Mariiitza!, qué gusto verte, la última vez coincidimos en la boda de Carmelita, hace como 15 años. Sí, así fue. ¡Oye!, por poco y no te reconozco, ¡qué acabada estás! Yo tampoco te reconocía, de no ser por tu vestido, no me hubiera acordado de ti.

Dos amigos están platicando: ¿Oye, tú sabes quien es Bill Clinton?

No, no sé ¿quien es?

¿Qué no vas a los congresos, a las conferencias masivas? Bill Clinton es el presidente de los Estados Uidos. Bueno, te voy a hacer otra pregunta, ¿sabes quien es Ernesto Zedillo?

No, no sé ¿quien es?

Bueno, ¿qué tú no vas a los congresos, a las conferencias masivas? Ernesto Zedillo es el presidente de la República Mexicana.

Bueno, ahora yo te pregunto. ¿Tú sabes quien es Fernando Padilla?

No, no sé ¿quien es?

Pues es el que se acuesta con tu mujer cuando tu vas a los congresos y a las conferencias masivas…

Theres this guy and one day, when he pissing, he notices that his penis is orange. He goes, What the hell? and he went to the doctor the next day. Doc, whys my penis orange? he asks. The doctor goes, Hmm. Never seen anything like it. Here, take a couple of these pills and come back here tomorrow.

So the guy takes the pills back home and uses it that night. The next day, he goes back to the doctor and the stuff doesnt do anything. So, the doctor gives him some stronger stuff and tells him to come back the next day. He takes it home and the next day, his penis is still orange. He goes back to the doctor and he gives him the strongest stuff they have. You know, hell be out for twelve hours and he cant eat or drink anything during that time, etc. He comes back a couple days later and his penis is still orange.



The doctor goes, Damn. Whats going on? What kind of sex have you been having?



The guy goes, Well, actually, I havent gotten any in a long time.



So the doctor thinks a little bit and asks, Well, whatd you do last night?



The guy says, Um, I was looking at some pornos and eating some Cheetoes.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident but its a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So youre a man, thats interesting. Im a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! Theres nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.



The man replied, I agree with you completely This must be a sign from God!



The woman continued, And look at this, heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, Arent you having any? The woman replies, No. I think Ill just wait for the police…

Had a cousin once who was the town drunk. Not that unusual really, unless
you considered the fact that he lived in New York.

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa.

Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you dont know the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000.

This catches Santas attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?

Santa doesnt say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Okay, says the lawyer, your turn. Santa asks, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?
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The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references … no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress … no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,
he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, Well, whats the answer?

Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep. And you thought Sardars were dumb.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.