The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.
12
Apr
12
Apr
Un agricultor le dice un dÃa a un amigo: Tengo un árbol frutal que tiene el sabor de cuatro frutas diferentes.
Eso no puede ser cierto, es completamente imposible.
AsÃ, que se van a la finca a probar el fruto. Una vez allÃ, el amigo muerde de un fruto y exclama:
Esto sólo sabe a melocotón.
Dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta, insiste el cultivador.
Le da la vuelta y el amigo responde asombrado: ¡Caramba, pero si es magnifico, también sabe a piña!
Dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta, vuelve a insistir el plantador.
¡Esto es impresionante, ahora tiene el sabor del melón!
Pues dale otra vuelta y verás.
Le da otra vuelta y el amigo queda estupefacto: ¡Pero si esto es una bomba, sabe a mandarina, tienes que patentar este frutal!
Al cabo de unos meses, se encuentran otra vez y el agricultor le dice al amigo: Ahora tengo una fruta que da el sabor de las mujeres.
¡Eso si que es imposible, no puede existir esa fruta!
De modo que van a la finca y el amigo desprende una del árbol.
¡Aaahhjj, pero si esto sabe a mierda!
¡Pues dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta!
12
Apr
How many Bratslaver Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They will never find another bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
12
Apr
Three men walk into the CIA headquarters and ask to be hired. A man there replies, OK, but first we have to test your loyalty. He says to the first man: Heres a gun to prove your loyalty. We have your wife in the other room. Go shoot her.
So he goes in and he comes out fifteen minutes later and says: I tried, but I just can not do it.
The next guy goes in and the same thing happens.
Then the last guy goes in and sees his wife sitting there. The man who is testing him is waiting to here gunshots, and then he hears BANG… BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then tons of crashing and banging. The man with the gun comes out, and the man who is testing him says,
Congratulations! You are now a member of the CIA, to which the man replies: Yea, great, thanks, but some idiot put blanks in the gun! I had to kill her with the chair!
12
Apr
Bigotry … an Italian redwood.
Bigamist … an Italian fog.
Innuendo … an Italian suppository.
Specimen … an Italian astronaut.
Lyles Joke Boutique.
12
Apr
Q: Why did the two vectors start an internet-based company?
A: Because they thought they had a good dot product.
12
Apr
What the Boss Really Said on Our Appraisal Sheet:
PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL TERMS AND THEIR REAL MEANINGS
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLSAble to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLSSpends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEENot too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIEDMade no major blunders; yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITYToo ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLYDrinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLYSpouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKERNobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKINGOffers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKERWont make a decision
AGGRESSIVEObnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBSGets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELLSpeaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAILA nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIESIs tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENTLucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOURKnows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDEDBack Stabber
LOYALCant get a job anywhere else!!!
11
Apr
A MOTHER AND HER FIVE YEAR OLD SON ARE ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM DAYCARE WHEN THE CHILD SEES TWO DOGS IN A FIELD SCREWING. PUZZLED, THE CHILD ASKS THE MOM WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
THE MOM NOT SURE HOW TO ANSWER SAYS THEY ARE BUSY MAKING PUPPIES.
LATER THAT EVENING WHEN EVERYONE IS IN BED MOM AND DAD ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING SEX. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE YOUNG BOY WALKS IN.
DADDY, HE SAYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL SON HE SAID, YOUR MOM AND I HAVE DECIDED ITS TIME FOR YOU TO HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER OR SISTER.
THE BOY STARTS CRYING AND SAYS, NO DADDY, TURN MOMMY OVER, ID RATHER HAVE A PUPPY!
11
Apr
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ina Claire!
Ina Claire who?
Ina Claire day, you can see for miles!
11
Apr
If your trailer has more miles than your truck.