Old and New Jokes

Yup!
Then go and catch it! Har har har!

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blondes blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. "Im trying to pop out this dent, but its not really working.""Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you, but there isnt enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave. The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you this, but there isnt enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave. More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you this, but there isnt enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasnt a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave. More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.

Another hour goes by. Its now getting dark and its cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you this, but there isnt any meat. Go home.

One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, See? Its like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susies dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

Where will you live? asked Susies dad, thinking this was cute.

Well, said Little Johnny, I figured I could just move into Susies room. Its plenty big for both of us.

And how will you live?

I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.

That should be enough.

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers,

Susies dad asked, And what if little ones come along?

Well, said Little Johnny, weve been lucky so far!

A man has 17 parts that dont work for him:

• Ten nails that dont nail
• Two tits that dont milk
• One bellybutton that doesnt button
• One cock that doesnt crow
• Two balls that dont roll
• One ass that wont work!

But, girls, what are we smiling about?

• We have a pussy that wont catch mice!
• Rats yes, mice no.

Its annual superheroes new years party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.

All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

Whats up asked Batman?

Well i was upstairs looking for the toilet and i passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!

Was she surprised? asked Spiderman.

Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!

Bloody Stump by: Rusty Zipper

Sliding Down a Flagpole by: Dick Burns

Brown Spots on the Wall By: Whoflung Dung

An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

Dont worry, She said. Im a nurse. I wont laugh.

Blushing the man drops his trousers. Its OK, she said. Ive seen lots smaller than that.

Really? the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. Yes, she chuckled, I used to work in the maternity unit.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Philippa!
Philippa who?
Philippa will you, I need a bath!

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.