Old and New Jokes

How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking

Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions

Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection

El marido se despide de la esposa para ir a trabajar. La esposa, que estaba en el baño, le grita:

¡Amor, necesito dinero!

Con fastidio, el marido le contesta:

Anda a coger.

La esposa, un poco extrañada, le contesta:

¿Y cuánto cobro?

¡De la gaveta, imbécil!, le grita furioso el marido.

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friends door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, Fred, howd that pig get him a wooden leg?



Well Michael, thats a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin, went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!



And the boar tore up his leg?



No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin like he was stuck, woke us up, and fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved em all!



So thats when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?



No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out fore I drownded. Sure did save my life.



And that was when he hurt his leg?



Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too.



OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?



Well, the farmer tells him, Shit, when you have a Pig like THAT, youre not gonna eat all at once!

Q: Why dont statisticians like to model new clothes?
A: Lack of fit.

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

Two [ethnic] people went hunting in the woods and got terribly
lost.
The first [ethnic] said, hey, I know what to do, the international
sign for SOS is three shots in the air.

so he tried it.

They waited, nothing happened. he tried again.

They waited for two hours, extremely hungry tired and
desparate, the two [ethnic] people began to believe their lives were
lost forever. Finally the first [ethnic] person looked at the second
[ethnic] person and said, Well this is our last and only hope left, we
only have three arrows left.

You might be a redneck if…
You list your parole officer as a reference.

Q. If theres H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, whats on the outside?A. K9P

You know youre out of college when…You dont know what time Taco Bell closesanymore.Your potted plants stay alive.Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.You keep more food than beer in the fridge.You have to pay your own credit card bill.You havent seen a soap opera in over ayear.8:00 a.m. is not early.You have to file your own taxes.You hear your favorite song on the elevatorat work.Youre not carded anymore.You carry an umbrella.Your friends marry and divorce instead ofhook-up and break-up.You start watching the Weather Channel.Jeans and baseball caps arent staples inyour wardrobe.You can no longer take shots, and smokinggives you a sinus attack.You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.You go to parties that the police dontraid.Adults feel comfortable telling jokes aboutsex in front of you.Your car insurance goes down, except whenyou move to Jersey.You refer to college students as kids.You drink wine, scotch and martinis insteadof beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.You feed your dog Science Diet instead ofTaco Bell.Youre waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going tobed.College sweatshirts are casual instead ofdress up.Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.Naps are no longer available between noonand 6 p.m.Dinner and a movie — the whole date insteadof the beginning of one.You get your news from sources other thanUSA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.METABOLISM SLOWDOWNWine appreciation expands beyond Boones andMad Dog.You actually eat breakfast foods atbreakfast time.Grocery lists actually contain relativelyhealthy food.When drinking, you say at least once pernight I just cant put it down like I used to.Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.You decide your parents werent as dumb asyou thought!