Old and New Jokes

This will be a short meeting

You can put it together yourself in five minutes

One slice of pizza wont blow my diet

Youll housebreak him in no time at all

Theyll feel terrific once you break them in

Weve been in business for 30 years, were not going anywhere

When it sez empty theres always a gallon or two left

If you knew anything at all, you wouldnt be a Traffic Cop

You can make it – that truck isnt coming all that fast

Of course bring the kids

Thats not poison oak

I dont burn, I tan

Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you

Your table will be ready in 5 minutes

Of course theyre mushrooms, toadstools come to a point

No trouble at all, dont give it a second thought

We service what we sell

Believe me, nobodys dressing up

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.

En la calle, un sujeto se dirige con una prostituta:

Te doy 15 dólares si me dejas hacerte el amor.

Por 15 te dejaré verlo nada más.

Bueno, está bien, acepta el tipo.

Los dos se dirigen a un callejón oscuro. La puta se baja la falda y se lo enseña. El tipo se agacha para poder ver; pero como está muy oscuro, saca su encendedor y le ilumina sus partes.

Tienes mucho vello púbico, ¿puedes orinar por allí?

¡Claro! ¿Por qué?

¡Porque será mejor que empieces a mear antes de que se te queme todo!

No.1 said I have the perfect wife. She is an Angel

No.2 replied, How lucky for you. Mines still alive.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

Whats Monica Lewinskys favorite boxing move?

– The Low Blow

Q: What did the blondes mom say to her before the blondes date?

A: If youre not in bed by 12, come home.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting – even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said U.S. POSTMAN.

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

Now Dillards, now Broadways, now Pennys and Sears
Heres Levitzs and Targets and Mervyns – all here!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT … YOULL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Dont fear anything. After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpses anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it.
Next, the professor said, you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.