Old and New Jokes

The angry preacher…

The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!

No one moved.

The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.


I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.


I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.



The barman says Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.



Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.



The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!



On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.



The bartender says Geez! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?.



Yeah, my wife…

Is awarded to:





Bobby





In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete



asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard



to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and other during your



lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.



To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all



concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status,



JUST BE YOURSELF!

If God had intended for us to run around naked,
he would have made our skin fit better.

-Maureen Murphy

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, Maam, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.

Yes, said Sam, I saw him plainly take the goods.

The lawyer asked Sam again, Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?

Yes said Sam, I saw him do it.

Then the lawyer said, Sam, listen, you are 80 years oldand your eyesight is probably pretty bad. Just how far can you see at night?

Sam quickly replied, I can see the moon, how far is that?

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?

A: You dont let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

You might be a redneck if…
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her

will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she

met with her Rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted,

etc.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes

scattered over Bloomingdales.

Bloomingdales! the rabbi said. Why Bloomingdales?

That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week.

We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid … until she closed her curtains.
Hes what every woman wants – strong, sensitive … battery operated!
There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogerss horse Trigger sued him for palomino-mony.
Chap with a fetish walks into a sex shop and asks So hows the leather been lately?
The latest product on the market in the continuing war against white ants – its called Arson.
Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor licence.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Marriage – natures way of stopping people fighting with strangers.
OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?
Graffiti Dyslexics of the world – untie!
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Which is more than I can say for the three passengers he had in his car at the time.
My friend is so full of self-importance – when he dies, he wants his mail forwarded.
My friend is master of the English language. Hes the only bloke I know who can describe Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton without using his hands!
I eat from the three major food groups McDonalds, Wendys and Pizza Hut.
I always keep a coathanger in the glove box – just in case I locked my keys in the car.
When a girl says No she really means Yes, but not with you.
To err is human … to really screw up something up takes a computer.
Sure you cant take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard can find it.
I cant wait to get really old – then I can actually pick my nose in public.
Dumb? Hes so dumb whenever he leaves his car he leaves the windows down so he wont lock himself out.
My father never liked me. As a kid wed play trains – he used to tie me to the tracks!
My father used to give me bath toys like electric toasters and hair dryers.
When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up the courage to ask the chemist for a packet of condoms. Now it takes me even longer to choose which color.
Women! First they marry you for your money … then they divorce you for it!
I told her Id take her on a ocean cruise – she said shed rather have Tom Cruise.
My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.
I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, You did last night – three times!
Hes just a bit kinky – only went through nursing school so he could wear white pantyhose.
We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the Mercedes – then they kicked us out of the showroom.
Im gradually getting my body back into shape – at least twice a week I think about doing some exercise.
Loser? Hes such a loser he says he was forced to have sex in a hotel room against his will. Problem was he alone.
My wife had a sex change…Now its Wednesdays and Saturdays instead of Tuesdays and Fridays.
You know when your losing youre figure when you come home and find your husband wearing your bra and panties – and he looks better in them.
Ugly? Shes so ugly in the school play she played the hunchback of Notre Dame…without make-up.
My mother-in-law told me exercise helps burn off the calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.
We have a self-cleaning refrigerator – she leaves stuff in there so long, it eventually crawls out under its own steam.
My psychiatrist says Im manic-depressive – I have mixed feelings about that.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mums wise words – Dont pick that up, you dont know where its been.
He was an unwanted child – his parents gave him plastic bags to play with.
Enough is enough – unless of course youre a nymphomaniac!