Old and New Jokes

An Italian bus driver and a priest were sitting in the waiting room at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted into Heaven.

After a while, St Peter came and called in the bus driver.

Immediately the priest jumped up and ran over to St Peter, saying, Surely it cant be right that hes going in before me?

Well, said St Peter, wasnt it the case that when you preached in the church, people mostly sat and slept? But when the bus driver drove on those roads in Rome, all the passengers sat up and shouted, Oh God! Oh God!

The angry preacher…

The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!

No one moved.

The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A: Not everyone has been in a

747.

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is…When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it
had run a stop sign. May I see your drivers license and registration please?

Whats the problem, officer?

Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.

Oh, come on pal, there wasnt a car within miles of me.

Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways,
and proceed with caution.

You gotta be kidding me!

Its no joke, sir.

Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles,
and proceeded with caution.

Thats beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and
you didnt. Now if I may see your license and…

Youve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! Whats the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?

Sir, Ill overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration
immediately!

I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a
complete stop.

The police officer had enough, Sir, I can do better than that. He opened the
car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat
him over the head with his nightstick.

Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

Youre so fat that when you went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.

Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You might be a redneck if…someone yells HO-DOWN and your wife hits the floor.