Old and New Jokes

WEVE BEEN DATING.
Means: Sally and I have spent a least five evenings together, at least one of them has ended in sexual contact. Meanwhile, Ive also been dating Cindy, Louise and Carol.
SHES MY GIRLFRIEND.
Means: Sally has made me breakfast at her place many times. I have painted her living room and regularly change the oil in her car. We do not date other people. She is off-limits to my buddies, now and forever.
WE CUDDLED.
Means: Sally and I got into bed. We kissed some. She even laid on top of me. But nothing else. [Sigh].
LETS JUST SPEND A QUIET EVENING AT HOME.
Does NOT mean: Lets snuggle on the couch and listen to music and maybe sip some brandy. At some point, you will light candles and I will kiss you softly. We will make love tenderly, and I will tell you how much I adore you. Probably DOES mean: I think Ill boot up my computer and finally figure out Myst. Or you can make popcorn and well watch that really gory ER rerun.
SHES CUTE.
Means: She has nice tits.
SHES GORGEOUS.
Means: She has nice tits.
SHES ATTRACTIVE.
Means (when talking to other men): She has nice tits.

Means (when talking to a woman): She has nice tits but that would make you jealous so Ill say shes attractive.
I CLEANED MY APARTMENT.
Means: Its safe to go to my place because I stacked the papers in the corner and the dishes in the sink. I squeezed in the toilet bowl stuff, even under the rim, and I flushed.
IVE ONLY HAD A FEW BEERS.
Means: I have had more than one, but fewer than 50.
MORE FOREPLAY?
Means: More oral sex? Sure, I love oral sex.
I LIKE HER.
Means: I think Im falling in love but since I a talking to my buddies, I will use another term.
IM IN LOVE.
Means one of several things: 1) Sally has nice tits. 2) Im quite taken with the unusual way Sally uses her tongue. 3) Sally actually likes Mystery Science Theater 3000!

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.



Turning to the man next to him he said, I forgot my teeth. The man said, No problem. With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. Try these, he said.



The speaker tried them. Too loose, he said. The man then said, I have another pair…try these. The speaker tried them and responded, Too tight. The man was not taken back at all. He then said, I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.



The speaker said, They fit perfectly. With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? Ive been looking for a good dentist.



The man replied, Im not a dentist. Im the local undertaker.

Old Simpson was a constant thorn in the side of the Parent-Teachers
Association, with his steadfast opposition to innovation. For one
thing, he was vociferously against the introduction of foreign
languages in the towns junior high school curriculum.
Waving his Bible high in the air, he shouted, If English was good
enough for the prophets and the apostles, its plenty good enough for
me.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a beer before it starts!

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, Get me another beer before it starts!

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, Quick, get me another beer, its going to start any minute!

The wife is furious. She yells at him Is that all youre going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! Youre nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…

The man sighs and says, Its started…

First man: Hey did you know that my airplane got caught in a heavy storm. The engine was leaking and it was raining.

Second Man: Then it is a miracle that you landed safely on the ground and nothing happened to you.

First Man: Who said the airplane was flying?!!

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he
wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says,
Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till Im half dead.

A friend of mine (Dave) told me this story over the summer,
and swore up and down that its true (he says he witnessed it).
It sounds a little far-fetched, but is amusing nonetheless.

Heres the story:

Dave was standing in the parking lot of a 7-11 store when this
guy walked out of the store with a six pack (of beer he assumed)
in a brown paper sack. The guy walked between two cars and when
he did, the bag lightly touched one of the cars. As it turned
out, a guy and his girlfriend were sitting in the car, and the
boyfriend (trying to impress his girlfriend) got out of the car
and started bitching at this beer-guy for scratching his car. So
the beer-guy apologized but the boyfriend kept on ranting.
After a while, the beer-guy said, If itll make you feel any
better, go over and kick a few dents in my truck and pointed to a
beat up pickup truck across the parking lot.

So the boyfriend
went over and started kicking the door of the truck in when
another guy walked out of the store and screamed, What are you
doing to my truck???
The boyfriend said, That guy over there
told me that this was his truck and when he turned around to
look at the beer-guy, he saw him driving off in his car.

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed? The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time Ive been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box. The wife says, well for forty years, thats not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down.

Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn.

After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn.

A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. a few moments later, a knock on the door.

The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn.

A few moments later there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig!!!

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts! And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down Nuts! And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!