24
Jun

Tres changitos se encontraban muy

Tres changitos se encontraban muy aburridos arriba de una palma de coco y entonces uno de ellos dice: ¡Ya se, vamos a tirarles cocos a los animales que pasen por abajo!

Pasa el elefante por debajo y le empiezan a tirar de cocotazos y los changitos con su desmadre allá arriba: ¡Jaaa,jajaja! ¡Elefante pendejo, ni porque estás bien grande, no nos puedes hacer algo!¡jajaaa!¡jajajajaa!

El elefante enojado se va maldiciendo a los changos. Al rato pasa el león y lo mismo, a aventarle de cocotazos. ¡Jajaja! ¡jajajaaaa! ¡puto león, no que eres el rey de la selva, a ver súbete ¡jajajaaaa!

El león se larga también refunfuñando.

Ya se habían calmado los changos, cuando ven que venía el rinoceronte, y entonces se preparan con los cocos y le empiezan a tirar, y muertos de la risa, ¡Jaa!¡jajaaajaajaa!¡pendejo rinoceronte piel de hojalata, a ver si eres muy resistente! ¡jajaaajaja!

El rinoceronte enfurecido se va, pero de repente a unos cuantos metros se da la vuelta y con los ojos rojos y vidriosos, saliéndole humo de la nariz como toro en brama, se encarrera hacia la palmera y madres, piche palmera parecia de elástico ¡chin!¡pum!¡cuaz!¡cataplum! de un lado para otro y los changos aferrados como garrapatas a la vaca ¡aaaahhh! pero no se cayeron.

Entonces que se vuelve a enfilar el rinoceronte y madres de nuevo a la palmera que rebota de lado a lado ¡chin! pum! ¡cuaz! ¡cataplum! y los changos muertos de miedo pero bien agarrados todavía; pero el rinoceronte no se da por vencido y va de nuez contra la palmera ¡chin!¡pum!¡cuaz!¡cataplum! y que sale volando por los aires uno de los changuitos y ¡puuuffff! da el costalazo. Cuando se levanta, todo traqueteado y sacudiéndose, se da la vuelta y enfrente tenía al rinoceronte con cara de los mil demonios y que dice el chango:

¡Je! me bajé porque allá arriba tenían un pinche desmadre.

24
Jun

Un polica est muy triste

Un policía está muy triste y acongojado y un compañero le pregunta:

¿Oye, qué te pasa? ¿Por qué tienes esa cara?

Imagínate que hoy en la mañana, mientras me bañaba, decidí que ya era bueno bañar a mi perro, el pastor alemán que tengo. Lo metí a la ducha y me estaba bañando con él, repentinamente se me cayó el jabón al suelo y mientras lo recogía, el maldito perro me penetró por detrás.

El compañero consolándolo le dice: Tranquilo, hombre, que eso sólo lo sabemos tú y yo, y yo no voy a decir nada.

¡No sólo tú y yo, el maldito perro me arrastró por todo el barrio!

24
Jun

Mechanics humor

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.



MECHANICS KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum youre trying to get the bearing race out of.



WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket youve been searching for the last 15 minutes.



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, Ouc….



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.



EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.



TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.



E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.



TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.



TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.



CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.



BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.



AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.



TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.



AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

24
Jun

Dont let worry kill you

Dont let worry kill you — let the church help.

Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

24
Jun

Knock Knock Whos there? Doughnut! Doughnut who! Doughnut open

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Doughnut!
Doughnut who!
Doughnut open until Christmas!

24
Jun

For your convenience our staff

For your convenience our staff is fluent in monosyllabic grunts.

24
Jun

One line sex jokes (adult themes)

Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese children?

Did you hear about the Newfie who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that hed never be able to face his girl again?

Did you hear about the nurse they thought had drowned until they found her under the doc?

Did you hear about the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?

Did you hear about the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings that read World War One, World War Two and Watch This Space?

Did you hear about the procedure whereby a Nobel Prize winner furnishes sperm for artificial-insemination purposes that is referred to as A STROKE OF GENIUS?

Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play post-office all night without getting any mail in her box?

Did you hear about the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?

Did you hear about the rumor that an FBI agent who was given task of shadowing a gay liberation leader has been summarily dismissed because he blew his assignment?

Did you hear about the rumor that Disneyland plans to promote a bumper sticker reading, DO A MOUSE A FAVOR: EAT A PUSSY!

Did you hear about the rumor that the vatican is freezing flavored holy water and selling the product as Popesicles?

Did you hear about the rumor that Walt Disney Productions is going to remake Beaver Valley as a skin flick?

Did you hear about the unreconstructed male supremacist who said that if all the womens lib. activists were laid end to end, that it would be the best thing that could happen to them?

Did you hear about the woman who got out of a taxi, and charged the driver five bucks?

Did you hear that a new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples is to be called Genitalia?

Did you hear that A voyeurs liberation front is being organized and their slogan is Power To The Peephole?

Did you hear that anal sex is a bum trip.

Did you hear that She was a farmers daughter but she couldnt keep her calves together?

Did you hear that some independent skin-flick producers are combining to form a major studio to be known as 20th Century-Fux?

Did you hear that The fastest four-handed game in the world is when it slips out?

Did you hear that The Masters and Johnson Clinic may well be the only organization in the world from which a man resigns when be becomes a member in good standing?

Did you hear that The only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?

Did you hear that the Popes next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled Pauls Epistle to the Fallopians?

Did you hear that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way?

Did you hear that those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male version – with nuts of course?

Did you hear The report that the leading manufacturer of imported vibrators is a Japanese firm that now calls itself Genital Electric?

Did you hear You can make it illegal, but cant make it unpopular?

Finger fun is called MASTER-bation because anyone old enough to take things in hand can master it.

Happiness is inviting a chick to hit the feathers and hearing her say shell be tickled pink.

He took a shine to her stuff … so she polished him off in a hurry.

23
Jun

Breasts

(o)(o) perfect breasts



( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts



(*)(*) high nipple breasts



(@)(@) big nipple breasts



oo a cups



{ O }{ O } d cups



(oYo) wonder bra breasts



( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts



(o)(O) lopsided breasts



(Q)(O) pierced breasts



(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts



o/o/ Grandmas breasts



( – )( – ) flat against the shower door breasts



|o||o| android breasts



($)($) Jenny McCarthys breasts


23
Jun

No Rejects

A prostitute visited a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.



Concerned about her friends welfare, the prostitute went up to the surgeon and said, Doctor, Im worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?



The doctor replied, Well, shes 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?



The patients friend replied, Shes been working since she was 18 years old, but whats that got to do with anything?



Well, said the doctor, if shes been working for 16 years and hasnt rejected an organ, I dont think shes about to start now!

23
Jun

Question and answer blonde joke

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.