Old and New Jokes

A: A dope ring.

Top 20 Things You Wont Hear a Programmer Saying

Oh, sorry. My mistake. I will fix my programming error right away.

IF (what_he_say$=interesting$) THEN BEGIN SET heck:=frozen_over; SET pigs:=airborne; SET me:=Queen_of_Sheba;
GOTO the_top_of_our_stairs; END

So, I met this girl at a club last night…

I think this program should do just what the customer wants, not what we think is kewl.

I finished the code two weeks ago, Id just like a little more time to polish the documentation.

Before I start coding, I should find out exactly what this program is supposed to do.

At some point, we have to count on the intelligence of the user.

Microsoft makes all the best programs.

I got into programming so that I could interact with other people. And I really love doing documentation.

My girlfriend said …

Hmmm…. needs more testing.

I-I-I t-t-h-h-i-n-n-k-k I-I-ve h-h-ha-a-d e-e-n-n-ou-gh c-c-c-a-a-f-f-i-i-n-n-e-e n-n-o-o-w.

Ive fixed all the bugs, added all the features you wanted, so if theres nothing else, Im going to leave a few minutes early for my date. Or I should say dates…Mimi and Kiki are twin lingerie models.

On this project, I want to apply what I learned from The Mythical Man-Month and spend time on the requirements and design instead of just banging out code.

The hardware is fine, we should fix this in the code!

Yes, my dear, of course. I will drop everything and come to meet you right away. Who cares about all this stuff anyway? YOU are so much more important to me and I have worked enough to complete my daily 8 hours!

I wish we could do this in COBOL (or: FORTRAN) !

Weve hit a bit of a problem. This task is going to take a little longer than I expected in the initial estimate. My fault.

Star Trek isnt really real. Its an abomination of social ethics.

I can do that in five minutes, just have a coffee and it will be ready.

Diplomacy:

a peaceful substitute for shooting.
cutting the other fellows throat without using a knife.
lying in state.
the art of saying Nice doggie! until you can find a rock.

Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.

Certainly, sir said the lady behind the counter, shall I put them on your bill?

NO WAY! replied Donald Duck, What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!

Your momma so stupid, when I told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon!

Bar code – Thems the fightn rules down da local tavern.

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

An wots this then? he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butchers shins.

You dumb dog. As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff thats been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Wholl know?

Again, the dog growls menacingly. Alright, alright, as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dogs owner screams at the dog.

Hey, what are you doing? Thats a really smart dog youve got there, comments the butcher.

Hes a stupid dog–thats the third time this week hes forgotten his key.

Llega un nuevo recluso a una cárcel de baja seguridad, donde todos los presos pernoctan en un dormitorio colectivo. Algo así como dos mil tipos acostados en un solo salón. Lo que llamó la atención del nuevo era que todos los presidiarios se echaban pedos soplados, es decir, sin hacer ruido.

Yo les voy a enseñar a estos cabrones como se echa un buen pedo, pensó.

Después de la cena, que consistió en unos frijoles recién hervidos, el tipo empezó a sentir que todos se echaban pedos muy hediondos pero que no sonaban. En esas estaban, cuando sintió ganas; dirigiéndose a sus compañeros les gritó:

¡Así se echan los pedos, cabrones!

¡Prrrrrrrrrr!

En ese momento se empezó a escuchar un murmullo que fue creciendo en intensidad. Uno de los reos grita:

Si van a rifar ese culito virgen yo pago lo que sea.

Y se le fueron encima.

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didnt move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man crying.



No, its not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.



When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.



I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison …

A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. No problem, says the mathematician, there is a simple equation for that, and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, What is that symbol? That is the Greek letter pi. What is pi? That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle. Upon this the shoeseller cries out: What does a circle have to do with shoes?!