A recent questionnaire sent out in the Soviet Union contained the questions:
1. Where were you born?
2. Where did you go to school?
3. Where did you attain your majority?
4. Where do you wish to live?
One return provided the following answers:
1. St. Petersburg
2. Petrograd
3. Leningrad
4. St. Petersburg
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
Here are some actual quotes from labels on packing of common household products.
I was rather amused at the information written on the bag [of JONNY CAT, cat litter].
The best has to be: JONNY CAT is the best value for your money. A 20 lb. bag of JONNY CAT contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more than 14 lb. bags!
Other importanant info:
100% natural clay mined from a rare deposit makes Jonny Cat especially absorbent.
AND THEN they have a section for Other Uses of Jonny Cat:
GARAGE SPILLS – sweeps up oil and grease and reduces stains
TRASH CANS – a layer on the bottom reduces odors and discourages flies
REFRIGERATORS – an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent
GARDENS – enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth
All this from a cat litter! Who could ask for more!
En un aeropuerto de una de las ciudades de la antigua Cortina de Hierro, un espÃa huÃa de la policÃa secreta rusa, la KGB. Estaba a punto de ser capturado, cuando, súbitamente, tropezó con una monja a la que le pidió que lo escondiera bajo su hábito.
Los agentes de la KGB preguntaron a la religiosa si habÃa visto al espÃa y le dieron su descripción. Ella les informa que no lo habÃa visto.
Cuando ya el peligro habÃa pasado, el espÃa salió de debajo del vestido de la monja y se inició el siguiente diálogo:
Gracias, hermana, por haberme salvado de ser capturado por la KGB.
Ha sido con mucho gusto, hijo.
Tengo que decirle, hermana, que usted tiene unas hermosas piernas. ¿Se dio usted cuenta del besito que le di en las pantorrillas?
Claro, hijo.
¿Sintió usted los besitos que le estampé en las piernas, antes de las rodillas?
SÃ, hijo.
¿Notó cuando fui subiendo y le cubrà las piernas de besos, arriba de las rodillas?
SÃ, hijo.
¿Qué hubiera sucedido si yo sigo subiendo, y subiendo y llenándola de besos?
¡Pues que me hubieras besado los huevos, cabrón! ¡Yo también soy un espÃa!
En un bautizo, una joven se acercó al padre del recién bautizado.
¿Me deja acariciarlo? dijo con voz melosa, mirando al bebe.
Por supuesto, respondió el padre. Pero antes permiteme dejar por ahà al bebé.
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
Turn right … no, turn left … no, turn straight!
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a U.S. naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert
your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic Fleet! We are accompanied by three destroyers,
three cruisers and numerous support vessels! I demand that you change your
course 15 degrees North, thats one-five degrees North, or counter-measures will
be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A rather large
gentleman whose name was Paul was married to a woman who was as heavy
as he was, if not more so. They had two children. All their friends quietly
wondered how they had managed to conceive.
One evening at the bar a friend of Pauls got up the nerve to ask him,
how it was possible that he and his wife conceived their children, being
as large as they are.
To this Paul replied:
"You guys with small dicks are always asking me that!"
The members of the Explorers Club gathered at their meeting house one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping a brandy while leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel. Ferdinand, old boy, shouted Sir Roger, Back so soon from the Peoples Republic? Sit down and tell us all about it.
Sir Ferdinand grimaced. Id rather NOT sit down, Roggie old boy. But, yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather, but to old Tibet, the roof of the world, shamelessly annexed by the Red Chinese.
What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place, asked Sir Thomas. Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Or perhaps on the trail of the Abominable Snowman?
Theyre called Yetis, these days, Tommie, replied Ferdinand, But, no, I was invited to help exorcize an abandoned Buddhist temple. My friend Lama Mipham was allowed to restore a long unused temple by the Chinese government. Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum to further extol the glories of the Peoples Republic. Lama Mipham felt that even for his people merely to have access to the art and architectural treasures stored therein would help prevent the further loss of their traditions.
But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple, at being physically attacked!
By brigands? asked Sir Rupert, Temple robbers, prying loose rubies as big as your fist, that were used as third-eye ornaments in enormous idols?
Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist, Feghoot explained. He could deal with common criminals. No, he was attacked by supernatural defenders of the faith. Dakinis.
Dakinis? all the club members muttered in disbelief.
Yes. It means skywalker, you know. Ghostly women, of all sizes, skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with a mystical weapon that produces very real physical damage.
No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance, said Sir Edmund, Youre well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down and elaborate.
Once again, Feghoot demurred. Ill not be sitting down for quite a while, Im afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy water, and a nasty three-sided dagger called a purba that can pierce ghostly flesh.
How exciting, whispered Sir Oscar.
No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge, lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-chopping sword gave an ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and she vanished.
Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini, hurled an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drew us forward I stabbed her with the purba, and she vanished.
Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at Lama Mipham, but he ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon mantra, PHAT! and she vanished.
Insulted, I should guess, chuckled Sir Bernard.
Well, to make a long story shorter, concluded Sir Ferdinand, There were dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham and I vanquished every one of them, although one of diminutive size (no bigger than my thumb) and saffron hue managed to avoid my attention and wounded me in an embarrassing part of my anatomy.
Sir Harold gasped. You mean…
Feghoot nodded. … She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, poke-a-butt Dakini. (ByAdam E. Ek based on a character by Reginald Bretner)