There was 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sight seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the whorehouse like kids entering a toy store.
The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00, and the third redneck had $15.00.
The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and said I got $5.00!
What do I get for $5.00?
The lady spoke over the intercom and said Ginger– take this getleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!
The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.
The oter two rednecks said Man, what did you get for $5.00?
The first redneck explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.
This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get for $10.00?
The lady spoke over the intercom and said Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!
The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine.
The other two rednecks met him and asked Man, what did you get for $10.00?
The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off.
This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?
The lady turned on the intercom again and said Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!
The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears.
Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, Man, why are you so sad. What couldve went wrong? You had $15.00?
The 3rd redneck said, Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pinapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself.
Hillary feels pretty badly — she may be the First Lady, but she wont
be the last.
This man comes to the Pearly Gates and is a little confused as to whereto report to God to get a determination on Heaven or Hell. He sees one sign that says: For Women and then notices a sign that says: For Men.
As he approaches the aisle for men, he sees one window with a sign: For men who were dominated by women in life. The line of men standing in that line was very long.
Then he saw another sign that said :For men who dominated women. He went to the second window and was the only one in the line.
At the window, God approached him and remarked, Wow, I have not had a man stand in this line for over a hundred years – you must be a tough person.
Well no, he replied, My wife told me to stand here.
(From an article in the Globe & Mail, Jul 26, written by Bryan Johnson, in
Pakistan:)
First [he] tells of a pilot who spotted tracer bullets as he approached
a runway in Northern Pakistan. So the pilot swung around and approached
the runway from the other end only to find bullets winging by there too.
So he tried to land on a road and cracked up.
From whence came the bullets? Afghan rebels? Terrorists? No,
just one hell of a wedding party. In the Peshawar region, wedding
guests can rent an AK-47 for a day for $2 or the use of a water buffalo.
With tragic results. In one case, jubilant cousins accidentally
blasted away the bridegrooms father. The wedding was postponed for 40
days of mourning, then again celebrated amid ecstatic volleys of flying
lead.
In another wedding in the region, shots from a wedding severed
high tension electrical wires, the falling wires electrocuted 8 guests and
set parts of the village on fire. As well there have been sevearl injuries
to people not even attending the weddings who happen into the path of a
stray bullet.
Although authorities have promised to crack down, little success is
expected. In the words of a city councillor, If I do not use my gun when
invited to a wedding, I will be considered a mouse, not a man.
Rambo would be proud.
P.S. along a similar note, although Rambo III has not been pulling in the
North American box office receipts the producers would have liked, they
are reportedly not worried because Rambo movies pull 80% of their gross
from foreign receipts.
An attractive blonde woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, Yahoo! and rode off.
What did you do to get that Indian so excited? asked the service station attendant.
Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldnt fall off.
Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Babys Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You dont bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didnt do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborns clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the babys little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, cant they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isnt squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Saw this on our local paper yesterday:
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer and a crooked
politician?
A: Chelsea.
¿Qué es un perro?
Los perros pasan todo el dÃa tirados en el más cómodo mueble que se puedan encontrar en la casa.
Ellos pueden oÃr una lata de comida que se abra a media cuadra, pero no pueden oÃrte aunque estés en la misma habitación.
Ellos se ven tontos y tiernos al mismo tiempo.
Ellos hacen ciertos sonidos cuando no están felices.
Cuando tú quieres jugar, ellos quieren jugar.
Cuando quieres que te dejen en paz ellos también quieren jugar.
Ellos dejan sus juguetes donde quiera.
Ellos hacen cosas asquerosas con la boca y después te quieren besar.
Te miran directamente a tu zona púbica tan pronto te conocen.
Conclusión: Los perros son pequeños hombres envueltos en piel.
¿Qué es un gato?
Los gatos hacen los que ellos quieren cuando ellos quieren.
Rara vez te escuchan.
Son totalmente impredecibles.
Cuando quieres jugar quieren que los dejes en paz.
Cuando quieres estar en paz ellos quieren jugar.
Ellos esperan que los atiendas cada vez que maúllan.
Cambian de humor fácilmente.
Dejan pelos por donde quiera.
Conclusión: Los gatos son pequeñas mujeres envueltas en piel.
Q: What do yuo call two blondes in a bag?
A:Twinkies
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vlad!
Vlad who?
Vlad to meet you!