Old and New Jokes

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor
peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, What are you up to there, Tim?

My goldfish died, replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
and Ive just buried him.

The neighbor was concerned, Thats an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isnt it?

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, Thats
because hes inside your stupid cat.

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trousers owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trousers masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clowns leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the mans foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that …. a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.

Cierto día un hombre llega a un bar, antes de entrar promete no emboracharse… como garantía dice:

Para saber cuanto puedo tomar y parar para no emboracharme, cuando acabe de tomar una botella saldré del bar y leeré los avisos que quedan frente como referencia, y así sabré cuando ya esté borracho.

Entra el hombre al bar, se toma la primera botella y sale al frente del bar y lee los siguientes letreros: NOTARIA – CACHARRERIA – HERRERIA y dice: estoy bien, estoy bien, todavía no me emboracho.

A los trenita minutos sale nuevamente y tambaleándose de un lado a otro lee nuevamente: NOTARIA – CACHARRERIA – HERRERIA.

Luego de otra hora sale el hombre que apenas puede mantenerse de pie diciendo:

Ahora voy a leer por que estoy bien, estoy bien…

Arruga el ceño y dice:

No te rías Candelaria Herrera…

Q:Why was the man at the dry cleaners always in a hurry?



A:Because he had pressing business.

This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined.

She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor.

Doctor: I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina… Husband: Yeah, I know, shes also got a nice pair of tits too!

Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

I knocked several times, but you werent in. – Opportunity

Q. Why does an Englishman close his eyes when he has sex?

A. Because he doesnt like to see a woman disappointed !!

Q. Why does an Australian man close his eyes when he has sex ?

A. Because he doesnt like to see a woman enjoy herself !!!!

Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:

1. He went into his fathers business.

2. He lived at home until the age of 33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Proof That Jesus Was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was bilingual.

3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

Proof That Jesus Was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He worked in the building trades.

Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He invented a new religion and finally

Proof that Jesus Was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldnt get a fair trial.