Old and New Jokes

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, Do you know what Im doing?

Yes, she replied, youre checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

That is right, said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. Do you know what Im doing now? he asked.

Yes, the woman said, youre checking for any lumps or breast cancer.

Correct, replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patientand started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, Do you know what Im doing now?

Yes, she said. Youre getting herpes – which is why I came here in the first place.

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasnt much of an accomplishment. Ah, but youre wrong. I did it in record time. When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasnt that great. Oh yeah? said the commander in chief, Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens…
Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. Well work together towards productivity. Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, cant I help you with some?

Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all.

Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition?

Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and — BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, Damn. Thats the fifth gay chicken I bought this week.

Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.

What do you call a bear without an ear?

A B!

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

Definitions for assistant professors:

Academic Freedom:
being free to work any sixty hours of the week one likes.

Weekend:
those days on which one need neither dress well nor wash ones hair before coming to work.

Faculty Lounge:
ones office floor at 2:00 am.

Grade:
Your evaluation of a students performance, based on your experience as a professional educator. You are allowed only to issue a single capital letter as your evalution. You must sign the submission of the grade, but it is a private record that you cannot disseminate. The student has recourse to several levels of appeal, as well as to legal action, if he or she feels the grade is inappropriate.

Student Teaching Evaluation:
A students evaluation of your performance, based on his or her experience as a nineteen-year-old. The student can write whatever he or she likes. The student submits this evaluation anonymously, but it becomes a public document. You have absolutely no power to appeal or protest if you feel that the evaluation is inappropriate.

Well-focused research program:
What others have constructed when they publish many papers on roughly the same topic.

Shingling:
What you do when you publish many papers on roughly the same topic.

Breadth of scholarship:
A positive characteristic in others who publish on a variety of topics.

Dilettante:
What you are if you publish on a variety of topics.

Saturday, November 8, 1997
Veteran Pillsbury spokes model Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

Un hombre de negocios muy bien vestido entra a un bar a tomarse un martini cuando ve a un pobre hombre que parece muy preocupado sentado en la barra. El tipo está muy ensimismado murmurando por lo bajo y estudiando con gran curiosidad algo que tiene en la mano… El hombre de negocios se acerca y le pregunta qué sucede, ante lo cual, el borracho levanta el objeto a la luz y dice:

Bueno, parece un plástico, pero se siente como si fuese goma…

El tipo, con gran curiosidad le pregunta:

¿Qué es lo que tiene en la mano, buen hombre?

No sé, se ve como plástico pero se siente como si fuese goma, no sé…

Permítame analizarlo, dice el hombre de negocios.

El borracho lo extiende sobre la mano del gentil caballero, el cual exclama:

Ciertamente se ve como plástico y se siente como goma, pero no tengo la menor idea de qué pueda ser…. ¿de dónde lo sacó?

Y el borracho responde:

De mi nariz…

Le informa el director de la escuela al padre de familia:

Le tengo dos noticias, señor: una buena y una mala.

¿Cuál es la mala noticia, señor director?

Su hijo es maricón.

¡Santo cielo! Y la buena noticia, ¿cuál es?

¡Que sus compañeros ya lo eligieron Reina de la Primavera!