Old and New Jokes

What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?



A) It doesnt matter, he wont come!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.



After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!



Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.



Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, Rats, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the Federal Government. That leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from that the 14,800,000 who work for State and Local Governments and we are left with 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so we now have 12,000 to do the work.

Now there are 11,998 people in prisons so there are just two people left to do the work, you and me.

AND YOU ARE SITTING THERE MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR E-MAIL!

How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control!

Yo mama so fat that when she walks in the front door she starts walking out the back.

An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway. A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled, Pull over!

The lady yelled back, No – mittens!

A little girl asked her mother, Can I go outside and play with the boys?

Her mother replied, No, you cant play with the boys, theyre too rough!

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this persons life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now Im free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now Im free — Give back my glove!!