Old and New Jokes

The following are actual incidents reported…

#1

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasnt getting many. Then, he discovered the problem – a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read RADAR TRAP AHEAD. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading TIPS and a bucket full of change.

#2

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

#3

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmens Ball.

He replied, Highway patrolmen dont have balls.

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what hed just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Q: What will Bills favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
A: Everythings $100.

Two men were in a pub. One man said, Did you know that beer contains female hormones? The other man said, No! Is it true? Yes, said the first man. If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.

You know you are addicted to the Internet when…



You kiss your girlfriends home page.



Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.



Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.



All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster par connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.



And even your night dreams are in HTML.



You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.



You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.



You start introducing yourself as Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au



Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though youve never had heart problems before.



You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you dont have a clue when it happened.



You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.



Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.



All of your friends have an @ in their names.



When looking at a pageful of someone elses links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.



Your dog has its own home page.



You cant call your mother…she doesnt have a modem.



You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.



Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.



You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.



You dont know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.



Your husband tells you hes had the beard for 2 months.



You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.



You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do and you dont even have a job.



You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.



Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed.



You get a tattoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.



You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.



The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.



You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.



Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.



As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button.

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks at it.WOW! I know this person. Ive seen this person before. The other blonde takes the mirror and looks at it.Of course you do. Thats me.

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, You need to stop masturbating.

The guy replies, Why Doc? Am I going blind?

The doctor says, No, but youre upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.

From a contest in which Baby Boomers were asked to tell Gen Xers how much harder it was in the old days: In my day, we didnt have mouses to move the cursor around. We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times, dadgummit.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) In my day, we couldnt afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) In my day, we didnt have hand held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) In my day, we didnt have fancy high numbers. We had nothing, one, twain and multitudes.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, we didnt get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying Doors closing. We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didnt have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
(Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover) Back in the 1970s we didnt have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didnt have days. There was only time for work, time for pray and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, we didnt have fancy healthfood restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And were all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In my day, we didnt have water. We had to smash to

The Ages of Woman:

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.



2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.



3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.



4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.



5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows its down there but who gives a damn?







——————————————————————————–

The Ages of Man: (read these ones carefully)

1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly.



2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly.



3. Over 47: Try weakly.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. But officer, the man began, I can explain.

Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

But, officer, I just wanted to say,

And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.

Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

178. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate commets, pretend not to hear anything.