Old and New Jokes

At U. of Michigan, we used to tell this one about Michigan State, however, any despised college will do.

Bubba, the most popular football player at Michigan State had completed his eligibility, and was set to graduate. The problem was, he had never attended a course, or learned anything. The Dean and football coach wanted to graduate him, however, to stave off student revolt.

Still, they had to have him demonstrate some sort of competence. So, at the graduation ceremony, when Bubbas name was called, he went up to the front.

Bubba, if you can pass this test, you graduate, said the Dean. What is two plus two?

Bubba, thought for awhile, counted on his fingers, and with a puzzled, yet hopeful voice, said, Duh, four?

A cry went up in unison from the student body, seated in their caps and gowns: Aw, give him another chance!

The heads of the four branches of the armed (US) military were standing around one day talking about which service had the biggest balls. After a lengthy debate, the four came to the conclusion demonstrations would have to be used to decide which was the best of the services.

First they went to an Army base. The Army general went up to a young soldier and to him to run through the firing range.

With a quick, Yes, sir! the private took off. Not five steps into his mission, he was hit several times and killed.

The Army general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

Next they arrived at an air base where the Air Force general ordered a young airman to dive out of a plane at 10,000 feet, without a parachute.

The airman said, Yes sir. and off he went. When at the required altitude, the airman hurled himself from the plane. He hit the ground with a nauseating squish.

The Air Force general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

The next stop was a Marine base. The Marine general ordered the first Marine he found to lay down in front of an oncoming tank.

The Marine barked, Yes Sir! and ran out on the field. The tank roared over the poor Marine leaving very little to bury.

The Marine general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

Finally they went to the coast to a naval base. The Navy Admiral walks up to one of the carriers docked at the pier and yells up to a young deck seaman.

Sailor, I want you to jump off that carrier down to the pier where Im standing.

The Sailor looks down at the admiral and said, Pardon me sir?

The admiral replied, I want you to jump off that ship on to the pier.

The Sailor looks down at the seven stories to the pier, turns back to the admiral and says, FUCK YOU SIR!

The admiral turns to the other three with a grin from ear to ear and says, Now THAT takes Balls!

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtles one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:

Whats wrong with your turtle?

Not a thing, the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!

Not a chance!, replies the barkeep.

Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Ill bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.

So the bartender, thinking its an easy $500, agrees.

The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says –

I WIN… Told you itll be there before your dog!

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including, but not limited to, the following:

Buying a stronger whip.
Changing riders.
Threatening the horse with termination.
Appointing a committee to study the horse.
Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
Change the form so that it reads: This horse is not dead.
Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
Providing additional funding to increase the horses performance.
Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

10. No one wants to come near you.



9. You can legally take sedatives.



8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.



7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.



6. You can smell like a baboons butt and nobody complains.



5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.



4. No matter how bad you feel, its still better than how you felt after last months tequila n gin party.



3. Star Trek re-runs.



2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.



1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.

Last week the DJ on radio station WZZO in Allentown, PA was discussing David
Hasselhoff, since there was some news item about him. He went on to say that
he liked the show Knight Rider much better than Baywatch.
He said that Knight Rider was more realistic, since he could more easily
believe that there was a talking car than that Pamela Anderson could form
coherent sentences on her own.

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

Now listen carefully, he told the homeowner, Im going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on

Ok, got it. the homeowner replied. But whats that shotgun for?

If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, the man said, shoot the Chihuahua.

Actual Fast Food Job Application



This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment……..



NAME: Greg Bulmash



DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place.



DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.



EDUCATION: Yes.



LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.



SALARY: Less than Im worth.



MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.



HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.



DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment.



MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?



DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?



DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?



HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.



DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.



WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.



DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.



SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hoods mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket.

One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled Im going to fuck your brains out!

Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: Oh no youre not, youre going to eat me like the story says.

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $

90.

00. Patient: $

90.00 for just a few minutes work?!?!? Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like?