Old and New Jokes

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me whats wrong with me.

Lets begin with a few questions, said the doctor, Do you drink much?

Alcohol? said the man. Im a teetotaler. Never touch a drop.

How about smoking? asked the doctor.

Never, replied the man. Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it.

Well, uh. asked the doctor, do you have much sex life?

Oh, no, said the man. Sex is sin. Im in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been.

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, Well, do you have pains in your head?

Yes, said the man. I have terrible pains in my head.

O.K., said the doctor. Thats your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!!

Ginny was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

Hello, sir, she said, Do you like movies?

Yes, I do, he responded, then returned to his book.

Ginny persisted. Do you like gardening?

The man again looked up from his book. Yes, I do, he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Ginny asked. Do you like pussycats?

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Ginny, ravaging her as shed never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Ginny dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, How did you know that was what I wanted?

The man replied, How did you know my name was Katz?

Are You Feeling Stressed Out?
 

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head youre holding under the water.

Look. Its the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up… just for a quick breath… then plop!…back under they go…

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now… feeling better?

RAINY-web

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.

Preguntas reales realizadas por abogados a testigos.

P. Y bien, doctor, ¿no es cierto que cuando una persona muere durante el sueño, no se entera hasta la mañana siguiente?

P. El hijo más joven, el de veinte años, ¿qué edad tiene?

P. ¿Estaba usted presente cuando se tomó su foto?

P. ¿Estaba usted solo o era el único?

P. ¿Fue usted o su hermano menor quien murió en la guerra?

P. ¿Él le mató a usted?

P. ¿A qué distancia uno del otro estaban los vehículos en el momento de la colisión?

P. Usted estuvo allí hasta que se marchó ¿no es cierto?

P. ¿Cuántas veces ha cometido usted suicidio?

P. ¿De modo que la fecha de la concepción del bebé fue el 8 de agosto?

R. Sí.

P. ¿Y qué estaba usted haciendo en ese momento?

P. Ella tuvo tres hijos ¿cierto?

R. Sí

P. ¿Cuántos fueron varones?

R. Ninguno

P. ¿Hubo alguna mujer?

P. ¿Dice usted que las escaleras bajaban al sótano?

R. Sí.

P. ¿Y esas escaleras también subían?

P. Sr. Slatery, ¿usted fue a una luna de miel bastante rebuscada, no es cierto?

R. Fui a Europa, señor.

P. ¿Y llevó a su nueva esposa?

P. ¿Cómo terminó su primer matrimonio?

R. Por muerte.

P. ¿Y por la muerte de quién terminó?

P. ¿Puede usted describir al individuo?

R. Era de talla mediana y tenía barba.

P. ¿Era hombre o mujer?

P. Doctor, ¿cuántas autopsias ha realizado usted sobre personas fallecidas?

R. Todas mis autopsias las realicé sobre personas fallecidas.

P. Cada una de sus respuestas ha de ser oral, ¿de acuerdo? ¿A qué escuela fue usted?

R. Oral.

P. ¿Recuerda usted la hora en la que examinó el cadáver?

R. La autopsia comenzó alrededor de las 8:30 p.m.

P. ¿Y el Sr. Dennington estaba muerto en ese momento?

R. No, estaba sentado en la mesa preguntándose por qué estaba yo haciendo una autopsia.

P. ¿Está usted cualificado para proporcionar una muestra de orina?

R. Lo he estado desde mi más tierna infancia.

P. Doctor, antes de realizar la autopsia ¿verificó si había pulso?

R. No.

P. ¿Verificó la presión sanguínea?

R. No.

P. Entonces, ¿es posible que el paciente estuviera vivo cuando usted comenzó la autopsia?

R. No.

P. ¿Cómo puede estar usted tan seguro, doctor?

R. Porque su cerebro estaba sobre mi mesa, en un tarro.

P. Pero, ¿podría, no obstante, haber estado aún vivo el paciente?

R. Es posible que hubiera estado vivo y ejerciendo de abogado en alguna parte.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die? The first man approached him and said, Sir,
I dont wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent? The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, My wifes first husband.

Yo Mamma is so ugly, I went into your house saw her TV was covered with cockroaches!

I asked her what she was watching, and she said All My Children

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "Im sorry to bother you but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "Ive got a better idea… lets pretend were married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies.  "Get your own blanket."

This was a one panel cartoon in Aboriginal Science Fiction.

On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth: An alien soldier and his commander.

Soldier to commander: Well, now that weve captured their king theyll have to surrender!

Behind them, bound and gagged: Elvis.