01
Feb

Rules of golf of Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore

Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense:

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, You could blow it in … may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

01
Feb

Like GST

Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now

in effect in Canada)

A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?

A: 69 plus G. S. T.

01
Feb

A bad case of the stutters

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

Again, the clerk doesnt answer him.

The guy asks several more times W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, Why wouldnt you answer that guys question?

The clerk answers, D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!

01
Feb

My Only Extravagance

Okay, said the wife, Ill admit I like to spend money, but its the only extravagance I have!

31
Jan

Who Pees in the Pool

Jonny and Tommy where hot one summers day.

The boys decided to go swimming. They went to the public pool.

Soon the lifeguard calls them over. She says, Ive been watching you two. You will have to leave now. But why?

For peeing in the pool.

Well, but everyone does that. the boys replied in unison.

Not from the diving board, they dont!

31
Jan

uh uh uh

Why did the blondes guest feel special?
Beacause hewas always on top!

31
Jan

Osama bin laden joke

Why did Osama Bin Laden kill

wife number 37?

Because he looked up her dress

and saw bush…

31
Jan

Whats the difference…

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train??

A: A teacher says spit out that gum and a train says choo choo choo!

31
Jan

Handy Metric to English system conversions and units

Handy Metric to English system conversions and units

Ratio of an igloos circumference to its diameterEskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soupWon Ton
0.000001 cc. mouthwash1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrierMach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hourknot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer1 lite year 16.5 feet in the
Twilight Zone1 Rod Serling
0.5 large intestine1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches1 megahertz
1,000 murderers on a chaingang1 kilohertz
Weight an evangelist carries with God1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokesa straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement1 bananosecond
1/2 bath1 demijohn
Given the old adage a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, the first step of a one-mile journey1 Milwaukee.

31
Jan

Im George Washington

A man who thinks hes George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, Tomorrow, well cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.

As soon as hes gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I now have the plans!