Old and New Jokes

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts! And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down Nuts! And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Dont read any further unless you are sitting down … OK?
Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We havent set the exact date yet, but Im sure it will be before I start to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you wont mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.

I guess thats it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know … There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life. However, I am getting a D in History and an F in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

If everything goes as planned this evening, we shouldnt run more than hour late.

Our next guest is the greatest guy in the world. And thats not my opinion – its his.

These handouts may not make much sense at first, but youll discover that theyre very handy to doodle on when I get real boring.

This lighting really plays tricks on your eyes. Im actually a lot more handsome and skinnier than I look.

Thats a very good question. See me during the break, and Ill avoid answering it then, too.

Dont be embarrassed to ask even the simplest, most basic question–Those are the only one Ill be able to answer.

Our guest of honor finally got an office with a window, but now he spends all day asking, Would you like fries with that order?

I think the small turnout can be blamed on your excellent newsletter – obviously, too many people knew Id be here.

I dont want to suggest that todays food was bad, but three terrorist groups have called in to claim responsibility.

Gee, is my time up already? It seems like only last Thursday I started this speech.

This is part of the online manual entry for the unix date command. If anyone can understand it, apply to join the civil service this minute:

If you attempt to set the current date to one of the dates that the standard and alternate time zones change (for example, the date that daylight time is starting or ending), and you attempt to set the time to a time in the interval between the end of standard time and the beginning of the alternate time (or the end of the alternate time and the beginning of standard time), the results are unpredictable.

Quite.

Billy was sitting in kindergarten class pulling faces at the other students. When the teacher saw this, she marched up to Billy and said,Billy! You shouldnt pull faces, you know – if the wind changes, your face will stay like that!Billy looked up at her, then replied, Guess you learned the hard way.

You might be a redneck if…
Your masseuse uses lard.

Ingedients

1 teaspoon sugar

2 bottles rum

1 cup dried mixed fruit

2 cups brown sugar

1 teaspoon soda

1 cup butter

2 large eggs

1/2 cup baking powder

1 ounce lemon juice

1/2 pound mixed nuts

Before starting, sample the rum to check quality. It must be just right.

To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make sure rum is still OK all right. Try another cup. Open second bottle, ifffxx necessary.

Sample rum again.

Next, sift 3 cups pepper of salt, really doesnt matter. Sample rum. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a bablespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mel.

Greese oven. Turn cake pan to 350 degrees. Pour mess into boven and ake. Check rum and go to bed.

Top Ten LEAST Popular Disneyworld Attractions

10. The Audio-Anamatronic Dan Quayle
9. The Hall of 10,000 Razors
8. Slug Rides
7. Mr. Toads Gut-O-Rama
6. Pluto Gets Fixed
5. The Cuisinart Ride
4. Dumbos Big Blow Out
3. The Haunted Condo
2. Drug Runners of the Carribean

and the number one LEAST popular Disneyworld attraction:

1. The Country Bear Whoop-Dee-Doo Sit-Around-And-Do-Nothing Borefest

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, Hey, yall watch this.

When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade.