Old and New Jokes

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuers file and called him into his office.

Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that youre ready to go home. Im only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.

Oh, he didnt kill himself, Mr. James replied. I hung him up to dry.

• If you did an error-free installation of Windows 95.
• When your modem starts smoking.
• If no one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online.
• If you log-off your system because its time to go to work.
• If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.
• If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.
• If you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine.
• If you can write your own html page.
• If you can access more than 20 erotic no-pay sites.
• If you download more than 20Mb of from a binary newsgroup, in one session.
• If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look at a photograph.
• You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.
• If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses – they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.
• When someone tells you to remember something, and you look for File/Save command.
• When you discover there is no little car icon with a forward arrow on the dashboard of your car, to make it go.
• When you think the File/Kill command should apply to your system administrator.
• When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.
• When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
• If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay your phone bill and receive a pending disconnection of service notice.
• When you order most of what you buy… online.
• If your fingers quit moving because youve been online for 36 hours.
• When you find yourself engaged to someone youve never actually met; except through e-mail.
• When you log-off from a session in your favorite newsgroup… and your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.
• If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because youre exceeding 300 hours a month, connect time.
• When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line.
• You access Microsofts Web page every Sunday morning for Brother Bills sermon.
• When that 112Gb hard drive is full.
• If 133 Mhz is simply too slow.
• When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
• If you have an online light installed on your car to tell you when the engine is running.
• When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere, you do not enter an http:// or ftp:// address.
• If you can actually talk to the computers in your new car – and understand what they say.
• When you modify the programming of your cars computers and actually get better mileage.
• When you can access the Net – via your portable and cellular phone.
• If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.
• If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.
• When you put a CD-ROM in your cars player.
• When someone tells you about a great new program and youre very disappointed to find its on TV.
• If every sentence you utter begins with, On the Net…
• If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes.
• If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.
• When you insist on seeing the movie The Net – for the 63rd time.
• If magazines like InternetWorld are of greater interest than Playboy or Playgirl.
• If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.
• If you use more than 20 passwords.
• If you set up your own Web page.
• If you set up a Web page for each of your kids… and your pets.
• If, instead of a phone number, you ask someone for their e-mail address.
• If you dont know anyone who DOESNT have an e-mail addresses.
• If, to you, safe sex means doing it online.
• If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online because e-mail is so much cheaper than long distance phone charges.
• If you can write a list like this.
• If you can relate to a list like this.

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didnt back off he asked her name.

Carmen, she replied.

Thats a nice name, he said warming up the conversation, Who named you, your mother?

No, I named myself, she answered.

Oh, thats interesting. Why Carmen?

Because I like cars, and I like men, she said looking directly into his eyes. So whats your name? she asked.

Beersex.

Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, You arent so good in bed either! and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?

I was in bed.

What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?

Getting a second opinion.

A security man has a dream that the plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up he calls his boss at home and tells him. Insanely enough, the boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.

The next day, according to the young mans words, the plane crashes. The relieved boss calls the young man to his office and gives him a reward — and then fires him. Curious as to why he is fired, the man asks his boss. The boss replies, ?You were sleeping on the job.?

Love your neighbor, but dont get caught.

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a planes windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, itll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAAs chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineers seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the wild thing, so they decide to just refer to it as washing the clothes. One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesnt want to have to entertain their guests.

So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, Lets go wash the clothes. Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while theyre entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she wont give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While hes upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun theyd have if they COULD wash the clothes. Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that shell be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

Tell her its ok, says John. I already did them by hand.