Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner?

A: A Chain litter!

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island. Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island! She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island. She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

The ULTIMATE Email Quiz

———————–

I know we have done these before, but this really is theultimate quiz, it is worth a try



Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

130. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

The police are looking for a certain suspect whos sexy, funny, has a nice personality, and cool. Yo ass is safe but where do I hide?

Back in the days of Camelot, a young knight was traveling cross country by horseback. He was tired, hungry and the hour was growing late. He spotted a castle nearby and stopped and knocked on the door.

It was answered by the castle owner who was an older knight. When the traveler asked if he could stay overnight, the castle owner said, No problem.

However, the castle had three bedrooms and the older knight also had two daughters, they each had their own bedroom and the traveler would have to choose who he would sleep with.

One daughter was extremely intelligent but was so ugly she made cats bark.

The other daughter was a breath-taking beauty who was smart as a box of rocks.

Who do you think the young knight chose to sleep with?

Obviously, he chose the older knight … after all, this is a fairy tale.

Lyles Joke Boutique.

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood.

He doesnt want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner.

Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief.

The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, So thats how you guys load those things!

No longer seen jumping subway turnstiles
Visits elementary schools teaching youngsters how to cheat on their taxes
Four words: Shes a hugging machine
All rooms in her hotels are now free! Seriously! Call 1-800-HELMSLEY right now to reserve yours!
Always arrives on time for weekly face lift
Before she was released, returned three dozen stolen towels to prison laundry
Mumbled sorry after coldcocking the doorman
Is receiving counseling for her addiction to mascara
Has removed the word bitch from her resume
Counts to ten, then slaps the houseboy

Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.

Theres no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins werent invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didnt preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes it seems like English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Have you ever met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!