Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Matthew!
Matthew who?
Matthew is pinthing my foot!

If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

Q: Why dont blondes eat pickles?

A: Because they cant get their head in the jar.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

A guy was walking along the beach admiring the beautiful sunset when he noticed a young lady laying in the sand, she had no arms and no legs and was crying.

He goes over and asked what was wrong. She said, I am 21 years old, I have no legs and no arms and I have never been kissed.

So, he bends down and kisses her and she stops crying. He gets up to walk away and she starts to cry again.

Again, he asks her what is wrong.

She says, I am 21 years old, I have no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed.

So, he goes over to her, picks her up and throws her in the water, and says – there, now youre screwed!

Motongo era un negro que tenía mucho dinero y fue a la casa de su novia a pedirle a su madre la mano de su hija.

La señora era algo racista y no estaba de acuerdo con que su hija se casara con un negro, así que en cuanto se enteró del motivo de su visita le dijo a Motongo:

Mi hija no se casa si su marido no tiene cuatro autos.

Motongo contestó:

Motongo quiere, Motongo compra.

Mi hija no se casa si su marido no tiene una mansión.

Motongo quiere, Motongo compra.

Por último la madre le dijo a Motongo:

Ella no se casa si su marido no la tiene de dos metros.

Y Motongo le contestó:

Motongo quiere, Motongo corta.

Estaban dos compadres inditos debajo de un arbol observando unos pajaritos, mientras sus mujeres estaban haciendo la comida.

Uno de ellos pregunta:

Oiga compadre ¿cómo sabe usted el sexo de los pajaritos?

El otro le dice:

Ay compadre fíjese que yo no sé, pero mi esposa sabe mucho de eso deje le pregunto.

Entonces el indito va con su esposa que estaba en friega con las tortillas, amasando y todo eso y el señor le dice:

Oye vieja, ¿como sabes el sexo de los pajaritos?

Y la mujer bastante exasperda le contesta:

Pues fíjate en su tamaño, el pájaro macho es más chico que la hembra.

Y el indito se va todo emocionado a contarle al compadre y se quedan impresionados por la sabiduría de su mujer.

Luego pregunta de nuevo el mismo indito:

Oiga compadre ¿y los árboles? ¿cómo sabe el sexo de los árboles?

Ay, pues no sé, deje le pregunto a mi mujer de nuevo…

Y ahí va el indito con su mujer de nuevo…

Oye vieja ¿como sabes si el árbol es macho o hembra?

La mujer aún más exasperada le dice:

Pos mira, ese árbol de allá donde estás con el compadre es macho.

El indito se queda sorprendido y le dice:

Güeno vieja, ¿y eso como lo sabes?

A lo que su mujer contesta:

¡POS QUE NO VES EL PAR DE HUEVONES QUE TIENE ABAJO!

Once there was an man living between people wich made lots of noises at night and day.

The one who left was a music teacher,she learns the children day and just before night.The violens make sqeaky sounds, and piano is false.





On the right side lives a mechanic wich makes loud noises day and night.Cling,clang you no what I mean.





On that day the man decided that this must stop at once.He shouts,I cant take it anymore!.The next day he goes over to the musical teacher and gives her a hand full of money and told her she must buy her a new house.The same day he goes over to the mechanic and gives him all the money he has left,and asked him just to leave the next day.And they both agreed.





The next day the man helped the music teacher with the piano down the stairs and asked her where she is moving to.





Then she said,———————





I heard the man next door was also looking for a place,now hes gonna move in my house and I in his.

It is a poor workman who blames his tools.

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S.
Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was
an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals,
and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces
in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal
justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the
rank of full colonel.

Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what
was then Fresno State College. (Later to become the California State
University, Fresno.) His work was well respected, but after about ten
years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.

He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelors
degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded
that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years
of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient
qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold
a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a
favor by letting him keep his job by getting only a masters degree.

So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college.
Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study
would get him his MA.

On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped
when he read Johns name. Are you related to the John Kallam who
wrote the textbook well be using? he asked.

I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook youre using, came the
dry response.