Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming lifesaver! lifesaver!

The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks cherry or grape?

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* All generalizations are false.

* As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.

* Montana — At least our cows are sane!

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Your kid may be an honor student but youre still an IDIOT!

* Friends dont let friends drive naked.

* I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

* Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* According to my calculations the problem doesnt exist.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!

* Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

* Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.

* Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who cant.

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

* Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas – Taking the dog. –Dorothy.

* Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

* Im out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

How does every ethnic joke start?
– By looking over your shoulder.

Ive changed my mind a dozen times.

It seems to work better now.

An internist, a surgeon and a pathologist decided that they were working too hard and that they should go duck hunting together.

A couple of mornings later found them sitting in a duck blind waiting for the birds. Pretty soon a bird appeared on the horizon.

The internist watched it carefully as it came over and said, Gentlemen, observe the colorful plumage, the quacking call and the web feet trailing behind.

As the bird disappeared out of range, he said, Based on my observation, I would venture that we have seen a duck, but further tests may be necessary before we decide on a course of action.

The other doctors looked blankly at him, but there was a slight sneer from the surgeon. It wasnt long until another bird appeared. They waited until it came closer and then the surgeon leaped to his feet with his gun. Blam… Blamm… Blaaaammm…

Feathers and pieces of feet, blood and guts and bill exploded overhead. A sorry looking carcass fell into the blind. The surgeon turned to the pathologist and said, Hey boy, wouldja mind runnin over and get that damn thing and tell me if it was a duck

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks –

W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

Again, the clerk doesnt answer him.

The guy asks several more times: W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment? And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, why wouldnt you answer that guys question?

The clerk answers, D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!

She offered her honor, He honored her offer, And so all night long,

it was on-her and off-er!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While hes in there, the husband tells his wife: Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, hell kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you. To which his wife responds: He wasnt kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

Your momma is so fat . . .

Shes got Amtrak written on her leg.