Friendship among Women:
A woman doesnt come home one night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friends house. The man calls his wifes 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man doesnt come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friends house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim hes still there
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the
woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and
said to the woman, Pardon me, madam, but I think your husband just slid under
the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, No he did not. He just walked in
the door.
A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, Rabbi, I have
a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing.
What do they say? the rabbi inquired.
They only know how to say, Hi, were prostitutes. Want
to have some fun?
Thats terrible! the rabbi exclaimed, but I have a
solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots
over to my house and I will put them with my two male
talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise
and worship.
Thank you! the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbis house.
His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots
and the female parrots say, Hi, were prostitutes, want to have some fun?
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and
exclaims, Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!
Getting a divorce is a mixed bag, some good things and some bad things. Here is a list to help you see both the bright and the dark side of the institution of divorce …
10 bad things
She gets half of everything but the bills
Without keeping your home just slightly warmer than Satans dominion, electric company no longer awards you Top Gigawatt User status
No more weekly episodes of Watch Her Butt Expand
People less understanding when youre late to an event
Senseless accidental death of spouse would have been a more romantic and fulfilling way to lose her
Belief in your ability to pick a soul-mate is shot to hell
Vacations can no longer be spent going to exotic and exciting spots like her parents home in Idaho
Now a woman crying can be caused by any number of confusing reasons rather than the straightforward its your fault cause
Giddiness and joy of annual Dual-Income-No-Kids tax rape merely a distant memory
Screwing your 17-year-old step-daughter wasnt the cause of your marital difficulties
10 good things
Your divorce lawyer can afford a new car
Friends are now something you can have instead of a TV-show youre forced to watch
No more nightly shrieking makes it easier to hear a movie without turning up the volume
My wife just left me great for sympathy among other women-folk
Having a beer is no longer a high crime
Regain possibility of having sex
Helpful marriage counselor now free to actively destroy someone elses relationship
Comforting may be done in person rather than through a bathroom door
Quietly sitting through tired, cliched chick-flick movies may now be rewarded with sex
Luckily you never spawned freakish mutant children that the bitch would have surely produced
Copyright 1999, Welds Press
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagans light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone handwritten the word penis in
tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her
class.The next day she went into the room, and she
saw, in larger letters, the word penis again on the
black board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit,
but found none, so she proceeded with the days
lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the
classroom and found the same word written on the board,
each days word, larger than the previous days word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted
by the same word on the board, but instead, found the
words,
The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ach
Ach who?
God bless you.
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try to get a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across Wheastone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.
Micro Farad, attracted by Millies characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered his capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.
Fully excited, Milli Amp cried, MHO, MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO.
With his tune operating at maximum amplitude, her coil vibrating from the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cutoff point. The heavy current flow made her tubes of anode very hot and Micro Farad was rapidity discharged and drained of every electron.
They fluxed all night, trying various connections until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking.
Later, Milli Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.The mechanic shouted across the garage, Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix em, put em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…
Try doing it with the engine running.