Old and New Jokes

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the
other eight are unimportant.

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. Where have you been?
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, Look, Michael. Look what Ive made.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, What is it?
Its a planet, replied God, and Ive put Life on it. Im going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance.
Balance? Inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant. I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a land mass and said Whats that one?
Ah, said God. Thats UNITED STATES — the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests. The people from UNITED STATES are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!
God replied wisely, Wait until you see the idiots I put in WASHINGTON DC.

You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 90 MPH.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, Heavens getting pretty close to full today, and Ive been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So whats your story?

So the first man replies: Well, for a while Ive suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didnt reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldnt you know it, he wouldnt fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldnt stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldnt stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.

That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

Its been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldnt hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now Im here.

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

Picture this, says the third man, Im hiding naked inside a refrigerator…

Enfurecido porque los animales no lo reconocen como el Rey de la Selva, Tarzan empieza a cuestionar y a golpear a cada animal que sale a su paso:

¿Quién es el Rey de la Selva?, le pregunta a la jirafa.

El león.

Entonces, el Hombre Mono comienza a golpearla, al tiempo que vuelve a preguntar:

¿Quién es el Rey de la Selva?

¡Tú, tú eres el Rey de la Selva!, contesta asustada la jirafa.

Y así continua con todos los animales de la selva, hasta que se encuentra al elefante; pero éste no responde. Tarzan insiste y comienza a golpearlo:

¡Qué quién es el Rey de la Selva, te estoy preguntando!

Fastidiado, el paquidermo le responde los golpes a Tarzan. Espantado el Hombre Mono balbucea:

¡Pinche elefante, si no sabes quién es, pregunta!

Knock Knock,

Whos there?



Island,



Island who?



Island on earth three days ago!

Bernadette urn-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize ur-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to gents room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.

She says normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1.

He thinks a minute and says – OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed.

She says So be it!, and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. Boss, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.Were short-handed, Smith, the boss replies. I cant give you the day off.Thanks, boss, says Smith, I knew I could count on you!