Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hoods mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket.
One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled Im going to fuck your brains out!
Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: Oh no youre not, youre going to eat me like the story says.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $
90.
00. Patient: $
90.00 for just a few minutes work?!?!? Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like?
Un Lorito que se llamaba MatÃas vivÃa en una granja junto con su dueño Pedro.
MatÃas solÃa pegarle a todas las gallinas y pollitos de la granja porque decÃa que él era superior, asà que Pedro ya cansado de todo eso decidió ponerle un Ggllo de pelea en el lugar donde estaban las gallinas cuando MatÃas no estuviera viendo.
Al dÃa siguiente, el MatÃas se sale de la casa y se dirige al gallinero a hacer su ronda diaria. Pedro lo ve salir y sube a su cuarto porque desde allà se oye mejor, y de repente se escucha un alboroto en el gallinero, cosas quebrándose, vidrios y de pronto empieza a gritar MatÃas:
¡Peeeedro, Peeeedro! y se dice Pedro a sà mismo: Allà es donde lo querÃa. Tremenda paliza que le está pegando el Gallo.
Y vuelve MatÃas a gritar: ¡Peeeedro, Peeeedro! Ven Peeeedro. ¡Ven!
Y dice Pedro:
Ahà lo voy dejar un rato para que sufra.
Y sigue gritando MatÃas:
¡Pedro, Peeeedro. Ven Pedro. Ven a ver como tengo a tu gallo!
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.
A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.
Her comments were as follows,
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, Its gonna be great!
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically okay, but he just couldnt get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can…do; Those who cant…teach.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasnt quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver..
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasnt sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing.
The husband looked at his wife and simply said, I know I have the product, Im just not sure how to position it!
If youre American when you go into thebathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when youre in thebathroom?
European!
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, Do you think theres baseball in heaven?
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, I dunno, Abe. But lets make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven.
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, Sol… Sol….
Sol responds, Abe! Is that you?
Yes it is Sol, whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, So, is there baseball in heaven?
Well, says Abe says, I got good news and I got bad news.
Gimme the good news first, says Sol.
Abe says, Well… there is baseball in heaven.
Sol says, Thats great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?
Abe sighs and whispers, Youre pitching on Friday.
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked What do you have under the newspaper, mister?
A bird, the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, Idont know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is Im here.
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her What did you do to that naked fellow?
After a little pause, the girl replied, To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but hes too polite to say anything.
When I tee off, the singer explains, I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.
Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round.
When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, How about if we play for $100,000?
Tiger insists he couldnt possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.
But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, OK, its your money… when do you want to play?
Stevie replies, Ill play on any NIGHT you choose!