Old and New Jokes

An unemployed actor is getting pretty desperate for work. He happens upon this guy from the zoo and hes looking for actors. The guy explains that they spent so much money on getting the habitat just right, they ran out of money to import the ape they wanted. They want to hire the actor to be that ape. Although the guy thinks this is pretty stupid, he takes the job anyway.

The first few days, the actor just sits there thinking he doesnt look real and that no one is stupid enough to fall for this stunt. He gets bored and decides to walk around and examine his little cage. With this, he notices that people are watching his every move. He decides to give them a show. After a couple weeks, hes swinging on the poles and dancing around making a lot of gorilla noises and is drawing quite a crowd.

One day hes showing off for a group of kids. He is swinging around and around a pole when all of a sudden, his hand slips and he goes flying over the cage wall and right into the lions cage. Immediately, the lion is stalking him.

The actor backs up as far as he can, and when he sees no other option, he starts screaming his lungs out. HELP ME! HELP ME! With that, the lion whispers, Shut up or youll get us all fired!

[ Its original. Would a real comedian take credit for this? ]

Recently, six members of the University of Nevada Las Vegas
basketball team were suspended from the team for failure to
pay long distance phone bills…

Gee, wouldnt it have been simpler just to garnishee their wages?

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We cant tell you. Youre not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We cant tell you. Youre not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. Im *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations! You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. may I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He asks for yet another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst …

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I cant tell you what it is because … youre not a monk!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?

A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard!

How careers end…

Artists models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont.

I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Hes not dead, hes electroencephalographically challenged.

Shes always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.

An attorney ran over to the office of his client. I cant believe it! said the angered attorney, You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in your case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now were certain to lose this case!



Relax, said the client, I sent it in the prosecutors name.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

Only in America…
…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.