Old and New Jokes

A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?.

The wife replies in sign language, if you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you dont want to have sex bite my left nipple twice.

Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question to the husband.

The husband replies Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you dont want to have sex pull penis 27 times.

Some possible titles for the new Bill Clinton movie:

Dial M for Monica Saving Clintons Privates All the Presidents Women The Lying King Free Willy Terms of Impeachment Driving Miss Monica Independent Counsel Day The Six Commandments The Full Monica President on a Hot Tin Roof Red Faced in October Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency Bedtime for Bubba The Me Lie Massacre!

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.

All about smoking:

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. Its only fair. Since smokers arent around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while theyre here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts — especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don’t have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there’s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

1. Call.
2. Dont lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules No Petting.
6. The correct answer to Do I look fat? is never, ever Yes.
7. Ditto for Is she prettier than me?
8. Victorias Secret is good. Fredericks of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. Honey, Darling, and Sweetheart are good. Nag, Lardass, and Bitch are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isnt an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering Who was that on the phone? with Nobody is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for Whose lipstick is this?
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, youre probably not more attractive when youre drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. Youre wrong.
26. Youre sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. Will you marry me? is good. Lets shack up together is bad.
31. Dont assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Dont assume PMS doesnt exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice ( Primo … and thats NOT PMS 🙂 )
34. But, we kiss… is not justification for using her toothbrush. You dont clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Dont whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Dont act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Dont tell her you love her if you dont.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentines Day, and any cheesy anniversary she so-names.
45. Dont try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Dont let your friends pick on her.
48. Call… and call again.
49. Dont lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go thru labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isnt fair either, and it balances everything else out.

Ed and Fred were flying along when the two idiots crash-landed on a desert island.

What should we do?, said Ed.

Hmmm, lets think., replied Fred.

Ed shook his head, No, lets do something you can do too!

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

It aint so bad, one crook noted. We got $25 between us.

The boss screamed: I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!

Whats a mans idea of helping with the housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower

Qué sexo es más fácil de complacer…

¿CÓMO HACER FELIZ A UNA MUJER?

Hacer feliz a una mujer es fácil, sólo se necesita ser:

Amigo

Compañero

Hermano

Maestro

Educador

Cocinero

Mecánico

Plomero

Decorador de interiores

Estilista

Electricista

Sexólogo

Gineco – obstetra

Psiquiatra

Terapeuta

Audaz

Simpático

Atlético

Cariñoso

Atento

Caballeroso

Inteligente

Imaginativo

Creativo

Dulce

Fuerte

Comprensivo

Tolerante

Prudente

Ambicioso

Capaz

Valiente

Decidido

Confiable

Respetuoso

Apasionado

Y sobre todo… ¡Muy solvente!

De la misma forma, hay que poner atención en:

No ser celoso, pero tampoco desinteresado.

Llevarse bien con su familia, pero no dedicarles más tiempo que a ella.

Darle su espacio, pero mostrarse preocupado por dónde estuvo.

Y muy importante es:

No olvidar las fechas de cumpleaños, aniversario de novios, de boda, graduación, santo, menstruación, fecha del primer beso, cumpleaños de la tía y del hermano o hermana más querida, cumpleaños de los abuelos, de la mejor amiga.

Desgraciadamente, el cumplir al pie de la letra estas instrucciones no garantiza al 100% la felicidad de ella, porque podría sentirse inmersa en una vida de sofocante perfección y fugarse con el primer desgraciado vividor que encuentre.

Dios dijo: ¡Amadlas! PERO NUNCA DIJO QUE HABÍA QUE ENTENDERLAS.

¿CÓMO HACER FELIZ A UN HOMBRE?

Hacer feliz a un hombre es fácil, sólo se necesita:

Sexo

Comida

¿Somos o no somos una ganga?