Old and New Jokes

A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, I would like a bourbon and…… a coke. The bar tender says Whats up with the big pause? The bear said Ive had them all my life

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Beso árabe: Saliva va, saliva viene y con la lengua se entretiene.

Beso de monaguillo: Hasta tocar la campanilla.

Beso del mexicano: Hasta amanecer y con todo y gallo.

Beso de columpio: Con la baba colgando.

Beso de torero: Con oreja y rabo.

Beso de pajarito: De piquito a piquito.

Beso de tamal: Con todo y la carne adentro.

Beso de músico: De trompeta a trompeta.

Beso de la caja fuerte: Dos a la derecha… dos a la izquierda.

Beso de jaula: Con todo y pájaro adentro.

Beso de tiburón: Comiéndose a los pescaditos.

Beso de microondas: Cuando te dejan caliente.

Beso de paleta: Chupar y chupar hasta llegar al palito. (O también, el que se da con todo y palo adentro).

Can any of you relate to these addiction quips? I sure can



The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.



The remote to the T.V. is missing…and you dont even care.

You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month unlimited!

You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

The last girl you picked up was a 800×66 jpeg.

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP …because you never log off!

Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed with us.



You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do and you dont even have a job.



You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.



You have comandeered your teenagers phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.



You check your email. It says no new messages. So you check it again…and again…and again…



You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.



Your dog has its own home page.



You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you dont have a clue when it happened.



You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Youre surprised to learn theres also a 2 oclock in the afternoon.

You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.

Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeyes.

Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Youve reached my moms basement, where I continue to live, despite the fact that I am in my mid-40s.

I have no life.

[BEEP]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didnt hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didnt waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, You know, when I was your age Id hit the ball right over that tree.

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.

Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more youve got. – Andrew Young, American politician

your mamma is so ugly, when she was born, she had an incubator with tinted windows,
your mamma is so ugly, the doctors still smacking her ass.
your mamma is so funky, she used secret and it told on her.
your mammas drawls is so funky, roaches checkin in but not out.
your mamma is so fat, cant wear daisy dukes, wears boss hoggs.
your mamma is so fat, police use her as a road block.
your mamma is so fat, needs a six-piece bikini.
your mamma is so old, she reads the bible and reminises.
your mammas cooking is so bad, the homeless gives it back.
your mamma is so short, her feet swings on the toilet.

You might be a redneck if…
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.The Scotsman picks out thefly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.The Irishman reaches in tothe glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit itout, ya bastard! Spit it out!"