Old and New Jokes

PRESS RELEASE:

Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary

President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:

– 2 BATTLE SHIPS,

– 600 GROUND TROOPS,

– 6 FIGHTER JETS.

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:

– 2 CANOES,

– 6 MOUNTIES,

– AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

Manolo entra a una casa de deportes totalmente desnudo, menos los pies que llevaba zapatillas. Se acerca al mostrador y le pregunta al vendedor:

¿Cuanto cuesta esa bicicleta?

$400, señor.

Claro, entonces son $200.

No, le dije $400.

Sí, entiendo… $200, insiste el cliente.

El vendedor enojado le pregunta:

¿Por que dice que son $200 si yo le digo que son $400?

Mire en la puerta de su negocio tiene un cartel grande, que dice: 50% de descuento en pelotas y zapatillas.

Q:what is the difference between Bill Gates and a viberator?

A:a viberator is an artificial dick!

After many years at sea a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. How did you get the wooden leg? In a booming voice the pirate replied:



WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME LEG.



Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand. In a booming voice the pirate replied:



WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME HAND.



Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your eye. In a booming voice the pirate replied:

WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: I WAS LAYING ON THE DECK ONE BALMY DAY CATCHING SOME RAYS WHEN THIS *%#@* SEAGULL FLEW BY AND DROPPED HIS DUTY RIGHT IN ME EYE!



Well yes, but what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?



IT WERE THE FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK!

A little girl climbed into her grandfathers lap and studied his while, balding hea. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road apped his face and neck. did god make you?, she asked. yes he answered. did god makeme, to? she wondered. yes, he relied. well, she shrugged, dont you think hes doing a better job now than he used to?

There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.

One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.

The 60 yo, started complaining. He said I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night.

The 70 year old then said, I dont have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night.

The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, I dont have any of those problems! At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit.

My only problem is that…I dont wake up until noon!

A man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you?


Not too good, says the mother. Ive been very weak.

The son says, Why are you so weak?

She says, Because I havent eaten in 38 days.

The man says, Thats terrible. Why havent you eaten in 38 days?

The mother answers, Because I didnt want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a beer. At this point the bartender leaves to take care of some business in the back. As he is about to take his first sip someone says,

Hey thats a great coat!

He turns around and to his surprise no one is there. He shrugs it off as nothing and goes back to his beer.

You look great did you get a haircut?! Again someone exclaims.

He turns around, and again; No one.

He goes back to his beer when someone again shouts.

Those shoes go great with that great coat!

At this point the man is just about at his wits end, when the bartender comes out.

Excuse me barkeep the man replies Someone keeps speaking to me, but everytime I turn around no one is there.

The bartender replies back at the bewildered man. Oh thats just the peanuts… Theyre complimentry

4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.



They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of duck waddling down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didnt agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.



One says, my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?



The old man replies, Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!