Old and New Jokes

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until youre blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, youll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. Youve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, Fuck you!

5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Why wont [ethnic] ballerinas ever do the splits?

They always get stuck to the floor.

Q: Why dont blondes double their recipes?

A: The oven doesnt go to 700 degrees.

You have just received the Reneck Virus. Because we dont use electricity, we dont have any computers or programming experience, so this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files from your hard drive and then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation and….. God bless you.

The Computer Engineering Department.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

A: You only have to teach them to take off!

A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man.

Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked.

The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!

So the man takes his friends advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure.

The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have sex with my wife, please!

So the mystic nods his head, does a strange dance around the man while murmuring odd sounds, claps his hands and says, All done. Now, sir, you will be able to bring on an erection immediately upon counting to three: one, two, three. Do not count to three until you want your erection. Your erection will continue to last until the count of four is heard: one, two, three, four. After that, you will not be able to obtain an erection again no matter what.

The man is just so excited, he leaves the mystic and heads home. All he can think about is that tonight he will be having sex again and giving his wife the love session of her life. He cannot wait to surprise her with his eager hard-on that will last and last and last.

That evening, the man is lying in bed waiting for his beautiful wife to walk out of the bathroom and crawl into bed beside him.

How much longer will you be?, he inquires in a lound voice from the bed.

Almost done sweetie., his wife responds from the bathroom.

The man gazes down at his penis and counts outloud: One, two, three. Sure enough, his penis stiffens into a grand hard-on.

The wife then hollars from the bathroom: Honey, what did you say one, two, three, for?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillips Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldnt they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Its just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isnt 11 pronounced onety one?

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why arent people from Holland called Holes?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Oye, Manolo, ¿qué día es hoy?

No lo sé. Espera, que le pregunto a mi mujer.

Pilarica, ¿qué es hoy?

¡Tú, un impotente!

No, mujer, de día.

¡Un gilipollas!

A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Dont make a fool out of me – Im doing OK by myself!

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com