Old and New Jokes

Yo mommas so fat that when I had sex with her last night I rolled over twice and I was still on her

You might be a redneck if…
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Youve ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today.

Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.

You think the internet is a new fishing tool.

An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.

Betty Brelia wanted a Tatoo and ask her husband if he would mind. He told her to go ahead.

So she went to a tatoo parlor and had a large B tatooed on each cheek of her rear.

When she returned home she was eager to show her husband, so she bent over and pulled her pants down.

She asked her husband how he like it … and he replied, Who the hell is Bob?

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that its a real easy game. He explains,I ask a question and if you dont know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I dont know the answer Ill pay you $5.

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, O.K., if you dont know the answer you pay me $5 and if I dont know the answer I pay you $50!

Now, that got the Engineers attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?

Then Engineer doesnt say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineers turn. He asks the Programmer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, Well whats the answer to the question?

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.

The second boy says, Thats nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.

Little Johnny says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon.and it takes eight people to collect all the money!

What is a wedding tragedy?

To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money!

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.

The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.

The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, meow, the cop says, oh, its only a cat

He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, woof, woof. The cop says, its only a dog.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, potato

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldnt accommodate her with an after-hours appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, Ill leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and Ill mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he wont bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldnt resist saying, You stupid bird, why dont you shut up!

To which the bird replied, Killer, get him!!!