Old and New Jokes

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

I know, he says, they say you cant take it with you. But who knows? Suppose theyre mistaken. Id like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that its useful, Ill have something.

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we havent be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friends money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

Two muffins are in a toaster oven, first muffin says: Boy, its hot in here second muffin says, I dont believe it, a talking muffin!

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.



Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his tool of the trade. But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.



The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the livingroom to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young mans sunburn started acting up again.He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.



The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, So thats how you guys load those things!

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

-Home

In the end only roaches and fruit cake will be left and the funny thing is that the roaches die of starvation!

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.

How bad is it? the doctor asks.

I have no idea, the husband says.

Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesnt hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner. From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner?

No answer. From 10 feet: Same thing. From 5 feet: Same thing. Finally, hes standing right behind her: Whats for dinner?

She turns around, looks at him and says:For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!

Theyre always Rushin

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesnt believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says No, ask, Why not?

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.

4. When hes in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didnt grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, Im glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows


that Hebrews dont read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!