Knock Knock
Whos there?
Don Giovanni!
Don Giovanni who?
Don Giovanni talk to me!
02
May
02
May
25. If you havent done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
02
May
I often wonder how come John Tesh isnt as popular a singer as some people
think he should be.
Then, I remember its because he sucks.
02
May
The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue.
A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.
The inspector noticed a string hanging from the cooks fly and asked What is the string for?
The cook replied, When I go to the bathroom, I do not have to touch it, I just pull it out with the string.
Oh how neat, replied the inspector, how do you get it back in?
The cook responded With the salad tongs.
01
May
01. I can see your point, but youre still full of crap.
02. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronouce.
03. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. This isnt and office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
And heres a bonus funny from: Siglets.com
Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears …
Sometimes…when you are worried….no one sees your pain…
Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile …
But fart just one time…
01
May
A lady walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a pint of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk told the lady Miss, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a quart of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk says Miss, I just told you we are all out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk had finally had it. He said Miss, can you spell the van in vanilla?
The lady looked puzzled but answered Yes, v a n.
The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the straw in strawberry?
The lady still looked puzzled but answered Yes, s t r a w.
The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?
The lady answered, There aint no fuck in chocolate.
The clerk replied, Thats what Iv been trying to tell you!
01
May
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
01
May
Q: How can you tell if another blondes been using the computer?
A: Theres writing on the white-out.
01
May
There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their
adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now
in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they
had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the real world.
Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their
looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money
from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever
popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.
As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the
rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All
dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend out on the
town in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home
Sunday night.
Monday morning they went to their parish priest, and asked him if he could
hear their confessions that morning, to which the priest replied, Certainly
sisters, just line up here outside the confessional, and Ill hear your
confessions one at a time.
The first nun entered the confessional, beginning her confession as usual,
and then told the priest about her trip to Vegas…
Father, I have gambled, I have drunk spirits, I have smoked, and I
had a wonderful time. I also touched a mans penis with my left hand.
The priest nearly had heart failure, but slowly he composed himself, and
said to the nun…
Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
one act of charity, and dip your left hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be
forgiven.
With that, the first nun left, and second nun entered…
Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have partaken of alcohol,
I have worn make-up, I have used tobacco, and in general I had a terrific time.
Also, I touched a mans penis with my right hand.
The priest was nearly catatonic with this news, but as he recovered, he told
the nun…
Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
two acts of charity, and dip your right hand in the Holy Water, and you shall
be forgiven.
The second nun left, and all of a sudden, all hell broke loose outside the
confessional. The priest opened the door to see the last two nuns fighting,
wrestling on the floor, and destroying their clothes and the church in the
process. The priest shouted at them to stop, saying…
In Heavens name, stop this, you are sisters! There is no need to
fight like this, over anything. I will hear your confessions equally, please
stop this!
One nun was sitting astride the other, throttling the nun on the bottom with
one hand, and hitting her with the other. She stopped in mid swing and said…
Listen Father,… If you think Im gonna gargle with that Holy
Water, after shes sat in it, youve got another damn think coming!
01
May
AS THEY GET OLD…
– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
– Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
– Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
– Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
– Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
– Old investors never die, they just roll over.
– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…
– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
– Old owls never die, they just dont give a hoot.
– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
– Old printers never die, theyre just not the type.
– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
– Old students never die, they just get degraded.
– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
– Walt Disney didnt die. Hes in suspended animation.
– Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
– Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.