Old and New Jokes

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I cant seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, Whats the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Cant you find anyone who suits you?

No, Bill replies. I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesnt like them. So I keep on looking!

Listen, his friend suggests, Why dont you find a girl whos just like your dear old Mother?

Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together. So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One thats just like your Mother?

Bill shrugs his shoulders, Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends.

So are you and this girl engaged, yet? Im afraid not, my Father cant stand her!

Q: Whats the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck story?

A: A fairy tale begins once upon a time, while a redneck story begins you guys aint gonna believe this, but …

The Perfect Couple

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer).

Answer: The perfect woman survived. Shes the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Men Keep scrolling

By the way, if youre a woman and youre still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
Its one of those evolutionary things that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with A man once told me…
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How do you fix a womans watch?
You dont. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women cant shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. Hell shut up once you let him in.
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Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who wont do what shes told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didnt know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a womans sex drive by 90%.
Its called a Wedding Cake.
——————————————————————-
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be eq

Why cant a blonde dail 911?

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass?

, he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food.

, The poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children! Bring them along! And you, come with us too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well! They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied No, you dont understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!

Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, youve looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?

He was acquitted.

Q: Whats the definition of an Impotent Loser?

A: A guy who cant even get his hopes up.

I dont understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was,
you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would
arrive at its destination in two days. Now you put a twenty-five-cent
stamp on a letter and it can take three to four weeks to arrive.

Still only a penny a day!

(From the letter column in Harpers Magazine, in response to an article
about the US Post Office.)

[Ed: You think you have it bad. In Canada, were
paying 39 cents for penny/day service.]