Old and New Jokes

The second day
of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day youre off
it.

~ Jackie Gleason

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? says the bartender.

Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!

Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.

So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

If you dont mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?

I told her Ive had enough and I want a divorce!

Good for you! You said the right thing.

So what did you say to your best friend?

Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said…

…BAD DOG!

Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,

A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,

But the one day he was talking to a recruiter,

Who said, they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer…
UNIX, that is… CRTs… Workstations…
Well, the first thing ya know ol Jeds an Engineer.

The kinfolk said Jed, move away from here.

They said Arizona is the place ya oughta be,

So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee…
Intel, that is… dry heat… no amusement parks…
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.

Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.

They said you projects late, but we know just what to do.

Instead of 40 hours, well work you 52!
OT, that is… unpaid… mandatory…
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.

Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.

They called another meeting and decided on a fix.

The answer was simple… Well work him sixty-six!
Tired, that is… stressed out… no social life…
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.

Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.

Waiting to retire when he turned 64,

Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is… de-briefed… unemployed…
Now the moral of the story is listen to what youre told,

Companies will use you and discard you when youre old.

So gather up your friends and start your own firm,

Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is… Bill Gates… Steve Jobs…
Yall come back now… ya hear

Benjamin Smith was the curator at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, although his primary job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him. Master, the genie began, I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you — you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever. Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny made his three wishes and became tremendously happy. Over the years, Bennys beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch more and more. He tried to ignore it, but the itch constantly became worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn to stay there forever. The moral of the story: A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED.

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

Youve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

De los placeres sin pecar,

El más dulce es el cagar

Con un periódico extendido

Y un cigarrillo encendido:

Queda el culo complacido,

Y la mierda en el vacío.

Que triste es amar sin ser amado

Pero más triste es cagar sin haber hartado,

Hay cacas blancas por la hepatitis

Así como las hay blandas por la gastritis.

Cualquiera que sea la causa,

Que siempre te alcanza,

Aprieta las piernas duro

Que cuando el trozo es seguro,

Aunque esté bien fruncido el culo

Será por lo menos pedo seguro.

Cagar es un placer

De él nadie se escapa,

Caga el rey, caga el Papa

Caga la mujer más guapa.

Q. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?





A. Because it waves.

Dont make a fool out of me – Im doing OK by myself!