Old and New Jokes

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The womans face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldnt graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin…however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!

He replied, Oh dont worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!

escape a burning
building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are
on the street below, holding a blanket for them to
jump into.The firemen yell to the Brunette, Jump! Jump! Its
your only chance to survive!The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away…the Brunette slams into the sidewalk
like a tomato.Cmon! Jump! You gotta jump! say the firemen to
the Redhead.Oh no! Youre gonna pull the blanket away! says
the Redhead.No! Its Brunettes we cant stand! Were OK with
Redheads!OK says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The
firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is
flattened on the pavement like a pancake.Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof.
Again, the firemen yell Jump! You have to jump!No way! Youre just gonna pull the blanket away!
yelled the Blonde.No! Really! You have to jump! We wont pull the
blanket away!Look, the Blonde says, nothing you say is gonna
convince me that youre not gonna pull the blanket
away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket
down, and back away from it . . .

14. You no longer think its strange to hear a truck playing Beethovens Fur Elise while its backing up.

13. You catch yourself subconsciously bowing to the neighborhood cat.

12. You think that Christmas has four syllables.

11. You start falling in love with the voice recording on the ATM machine, though you have no idea what shes saying.

10. $15.72 a person sounds like a great deal for a movie, even if you do have to stand up.

9. You run into a store and leave your scooter outside on the curb with the key inserted and the motor running.

8. You start buying Carpenters CD singles — and REALLY enjoying them!

7. You look forward to next months TV CM (Commercial) Image Song Perfect Collection CD.

6. You cant eat a Hamburger without green tea and miso soup.

5. You order a pizza and ask for raw tuna, extra octopus.

4. You cant take a walk on even the shortest nature trail without first suiting up in a full yodeling outfit and stuffing a backpack full of rice balls
and sake.

3. You keep telling anyone who will listen that Sumo on TV is nothing like the real thing live and up close.

2. You dont feel ripped off when you find a coin-operated TV in your $80/night business hotel cubicle.

1. You can instantly tell a kids age by looking at his or her uniform.

A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone.
Deposit $1.85 please, instructed the operator. Pulling himself up to full
height and dropping into his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, Maam, Im
from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to Hell and back for $1.85!
I understand, sir, retorted the operator, but in Texas, thats a local call.

Dave Dodson
Richardson, TX

What is the difference between Northern and Southern racism?

A southern racist doesnt mind blacks living nearby, as long as they
dont get uppity.

A northern racist doesnt mind blacks getting uppity as long as they
dont live close.

1. Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem…

2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

3. Charge the mound when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.

5. Musical accompaniment provided by…

6. Stage your own death/suicide.

7. Lead the specators in a Wave.

8. Have a sing-a-long.

9. You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?

10. Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and

concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin…

A blonde had two horses, but she couldnt tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.

This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses ear.

This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.

And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse!

La esposa le dice al esposo: ¿Por qué no arreglas la luz del pasillo?

El esposo contesta: ¡Pero si yo no soy electricista!

¿Por qué no arreglas ese mueble de la cocina?

¡Pero si yo no soy carpintero!

Un día llega el esposo y ve que la luz y el mueble están arreglados y el esposo le pregunta: ¿Cómo has arreglado todo?

Vino el vecino nuevo y lo arregló todo.

¿Y te cobró algo?

Bueno, me dio a elegir entre hacerle una tarta o acostarme con él.

¿Y de qué le hiciste la tarta?

¡Pero si yo no soy pastelera!

What was yesterdays Washington Post headline?

Bush finally defeats Clinton.

Two years free towel cleaning service
PlayStation II
Cure for Parkinsons Disease (with the stipulation that he not share it with that infidel Janet Reno)
Lifetime supply of Baba Ganoush
Solemn promise not to seat him in hell anywhere near Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.
Talk to West Bank Cable Company about carrying Spice Channel.
Four fresh cell phone batteries, if he promises not to hang up on Christiane Amanpour again.
A homeland near Ted Turners Montana ranch.
Take a few more wives and get back to him in a couple of weeks
Have a talk with that yappy mother-in-law of his about going on CNN and talking about how much better her daughter could have done.

(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2001