Knock Knock
Whos there?
Warrior!
Warrior who?
Warrior you been all my life!
24
Dec
24
Dec
your mama is so fat that when i get into bed with her i have to spread flour on her to find the wet spot
24
Dec
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and hes getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying shes a virgin and wants to stay that way.
Well, OK, he says, how a bout a blow job?
EEEEyyyyyyeeeew! she screams. Im not putting that thing in my mouth!
He says, Well then, how about a hand job?
Ive never done that, she says. What do I have to do?
Well, he answers, remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?
She nods.
Well, its just like that.
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
Whats wrong?! she cries out.
TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!
24
Dec
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, – – -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
Its very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize — dont ask me why — the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when Im trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. Its a terrible waste of brain cells.
After youve been in college for a year or so, youre supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.
This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, youre going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices. If you dont come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology — subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so Ill give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, youll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or crying, behavior forms. If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
24
Dec
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph."Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, " do ya see any cops following us?"The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do.""Damn!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?The blonde turned around again. "Yup… nope… yup… nope… yup…."
23
Dec
O Come All Ye Gases
O Come all yea gases
diatomic wonders
O come yea, o come yea
calls Avogadro.
O come yea in moles
6 x 10 to the 23rd
O molar mass and molecules
O volume, pressure and temperature
O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.
23
Dec
A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.
I have chapped lips.
Does manure help them heal?
No, but it keeps me from licking them.
23
Dec
1 – Las conversaciones telefónicas con tus amigos duran 30 segundos.
2 – En las pelÃculas los desnudos son casi siempre femeninos.
3 – Sabes cosas sobre autos.
4 – Para vacaciones de 5 dÃas sólo se requiere una maleta.
5 РEl f̼tbol de los domingos.
6 – No tienes que monitorear la vida sexual de tus amigos.
7 РLas colas al ba̱o son un 80% menores.
8 – No tienes que sentarte para orinar.
9 – A los viejos amigos no les importa si subiste o bajaste de peso.
10 – En las peluquerÃas no te roban.
11 – Mientras haces zapping, no tienes que parar cada vez que ves a alguien llorando
12 – Tu culo no es un factor en entrevistas de trabajo.
13 – Todos tus orgasmos son reales.
14 – Una panza de cerveza no te hace invisible al otro sexo.
15 – Ahorras miles de dólares en cosméticos y medias a lo largo de tu vida.
16 – No tienes que llevar contigo una cartera llena de pendejadas a todos lados.
17 РNo tienes que agarrarte la falda cada vez que subes una escalera en un lugar p̼blico.
18 РPuedes ir al ba̱o sin ir en grupo.
19 – Tu apellido no se pierde.
20 – Puedes dejar la cama de un hotel sin hacer.
21 – Cuando tu trabajo es criticado, no tienes que pensar que todos secretamente te odian.
22 – En caso de necesidad puedes cazar o pescar tu propia comida.
23 – La caja de herramientas es toda tuya.
24 – Te dan más crédito por el menor acto de inteligencia.
25 РVes el humor en los t̩rminos de matrimonio.
26 – El mundo está pensado por y para ti.
27 – Nunca tienes que limpiar el inodoro.
28 РPuedes estar ba̱ado y listo para lo que sea en 10 minutos.
29 – En el sexo nunca tienes que preocuparte por tu reputación.
30 – Los planes de la boda se arreglan solos.
31 – Si alguien se olvida de invitarte a algún lado todavÃa puede ser tu amigo/a.
32 – Tu ropa interior cuesta 10 dólares por un paquete de tres.
33 – Las promotoras.
34 – Ninguno de tus colegas de trabajo tiene la capacidad de hacerte llorar.
35 – No tienes que afeitarte del cuello para abajo.
36 – No tienes que acurrucarte frente a un culo peludo todas las noches.
37 – Si tienes 34 y eres soltero a nadie le importa.
38 – Puedes escribir tu nombre en la nieve (meando).
39 – Puedes meterte en un campeonato de mear.
40 – Todo de tu cara se queda del mismo color.
41 – El chocolate es simplemente otro snack.
42 – Puedes ser presidente.
43 – Puedes disfrutar silenciosamente de un paseo en auto.
44 – Un buen ramo de flores arregla todo.
45 – Nunca tienes que preocuparte de los sentimientos de otras personas.
46 – Piensas sobre sexo el 90% de veces cuando te despiertas.
47 – Puedes llevar una franela blanca a un lugar con mucha agua que salpique.
48 – Tres pares de zapatos son más que suficiente.
49 РPuedes comer una banana o un helado en lugares p̼blicos tranquilamente.
50 – Puedes decir cualquier cosa y no preocuparte por lo que piensa la gente.
51 – Jugar antes del sexo es opcional.
52 – Luis Miguel, Diego Torres, Ricky Martin y otros no existen en tu universo.
53 – Nadie deja de contar un buen chiste verde cuando entras a un cuarto.
54 – Te puedes sacar la franela cuando hace calor.
55 – No tienes que limpiar tu departamento cada vez que entre alguien.
56 – Nunca te sientes obligado de parar a un amigo que está por tirarse a alguien.
57 – Los mecánicos no te mienten.
58 – Te importa un carajo si alguien se da cuenta o no de tu nuevo corte de pelo.
59 – Puedes ver televisión con un amigo, en total silencio por horas sin pensar Debe estar enojado conmigo.
60 – No te preocupan las repentinas ganas de mear.
61 – No tienes que inventar razones por las cuales tu amor te dejó.
62 – Puedes saltar sin que nadie te mire el pecho y puedes pegarle por la calle a cosas (latas, paredes, etc.).
63 РLa cera caliente nunca se acerca a tu zona p̼bica.
64 – Puedes mantener un mismo estado de ánimo todo el tiempo.
65 РPuedes admirar a Clint Eastwood sin matarte de hambre tratando de parecerte a ̩l.
66 – No tienes que manejar a otra estación de servicio porque a la que fuiste estaba sucia.
67 – Sabes por lo menos 20 formás de abrir una cerveza.
68 РPuedes sentarte con las piernas abiertas sin importar qu̩ est̩s usando.
69 – Mismo trabajo… más paga.
70 – El pelo gris y las arrugas quedan sabias, hasta sexys.
71 – No tienes que moverte del cuarto para hacer una acomodada de bulto de emergencia.
72 – Vestido de bodas 2.000 dólares; traje alquilado 100.
73 – No te importa si alguien habla a tus espaldas.
74 – Siempre hay algún partido o algo de violencia en la televisión.
75 – No sacas pedacitos de los postres de otros.
76 – Si retienes agua es en una cantimplora.
77 – El control remoto es sólo tuyo.
78 – La gente nunca echa miraditas a tu pecho cuando le hablas.
79 – Las casas de deportes te halan a ti.
80 – Puedes pasar a visitar a amigos sin tener que llevarles un regalo.
81 – Las despedidas de soltero le rompen el culo a las de soltera.
82 – Tienes una buena y sana relación con tu madre.
83 – Puedes comprar profilácticos sin que el cajero te imagine desnudo.
84 РNo tienes que pretender que te vas a refrescar un poco, para ir al ba̱o a cagar.
85 – Si no llamas un amigo cuando dijiste que lo ibas a hacer, no le va a decir al resto del mundo que cambiaste.
86 – Algún dÃa puedes llegar a ser un atorrante viejo verde.
87 – Puedes racionalizar cualquier cosa con la frase Y a la mierda.
88 – Si alguien aparece en una fiesta con tu misma ropa, puedes llegar a hacerte su amigo.
89 – La muerte de Lady Di fue tan solo otra muerte.
90 – Un buen eructo es casi predecible.
91 – Nunca te pierdes una experiencia sexual porque no quieres.
92 – Piensas que la idea de patear a un perrito es graciosa.
93 – Si algo mecánico no funciona, le puedes pegar con un martillo y tirarlo por el cuarto
94 РLos zapatos no le hacen da̱o a tus pies.
95 – Las pelÃculas porno están diseñadas para ti.
96 РNo tienes que recordar fechas de cumplea̱os y aniversarios.
97 – Que no te caiga bien una persona no quita tener buen sexo con ella.
98 – Tus amigos no te pueden atrapar preguntándote ¿y notas algo diferente?.
99 – Baywatch
100 – Con 400 millones de espermatozoides por tiro, podrÃas duplicar la población de la tierra.
Y la 101 es… ¡Qué existen las mujeres!
23
Dec
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. Dont worry, son. Your mother will come back. Shes only bringing people babies and making them happy.
The next night, its fathers turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now hes bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.
A few days later, the storks parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where hes been all night.
The baby stork says, Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!
23
Dec
Q: What does a farmer count his cows with?
A: A Cow-culator!